Our child the carnivore...cannibal!

We put up our Christmas tree last week. We decided to put kid-friendly ornaments on the bottom of the tree so Little T (aka Little Tiger) could play with them without us having to worry that she would break them. Little did we know that our daughter was cannibalistic...

That's right, she bit the face off of the tiger ornament.

Starbucks Date

So I am sitting at Starbucks writing and witnessing what I believe is a first date. So interesting...

The Scare

So on top of being sick this week, I was late...that is right 3 days late (I've been late once and that is when I was pregnant with Little T) and all I could think about was the fact that I was pregnant. Don't get me wrong, we want more kids, but we are not quite ready. However, when my period finally came I was a little disappointed. I am really enjoying Little T and didn't want anything to take away from all of her awesomeness. Plus, I would love to have the bulk of my dissertation research done before we have another kid. Plus, 2 kids under 2 (or really close to be under 2) is a scary - multiple diaper changes! But, I started thinking about being pregnant, the way Little T would probably love a baby being around to play with (she would probably be jealous too since I'm not sure she would really understand), the snuggles of a newborn and the smells of baby and all those baby things that Little T has grown out of. I was surprised at my feelings. We've talked about it and would love to be pregnant this time next year so yes, I'm starting to get baby fever.

Post Titles

I have a really hard time coming up with post titles...that is all.

Better?

I am starting to feel better! YAY! I was able to get a bit of dissertation work done yesterday (finding research and outlining and filling in holes for my lit review) so that is good. Other than that my week has consisted of me catching up on a few small things (family blog, wrapping a handful of presents, and so on) and sleeping and resting.

I've felt a bit useless (and very grateful) as Mr. T has run the household completely for a week. With me being home this feels weird since we distribute things pretty equally in our house. But I am really grateful that he is home this week to help.

So much to do and say...

but I'm a bit under the weather and a bit behind so I will leave you with a list all the comings and goings...

1. proposal going well still - haven't looked at it in two weeks because of an out-of-town meeting and a week spent with family, but I'm not freaking out about it. I got great feedback (see #4). My Thanksgiving week with family and friends was much needed and well-deserved. During the out-of-town meeting, many people said that it took them this long (and longer) to get their dissertation proposal hashed out. So there!

2. Mr. T, Little T, and Furry T are doing awesome! They are so amazing and I don't know what I would do without them.

3. Tiger Mom not feeling so well this week - some sort of nasty virus. On the upside I am getting over it and only have a few more days of feeling like crap (hopefully!) and Mr. T is in town this week (next week he is out of town) and can take care of me and Little T.

4. I got some good feedback and think I can conquer the revisions on this chapter as soon as I have a clear head (#3 is crapping on that right now).

5. Some drama with people in my life but I'm tired of thinking and talking about it so I'll leave it at that.

6. Lots of fun stuff planned (holiday get-togethers, birthday parties, holiday shopping and decorating with Mr. T and so on) in the next several weeks.

7. Lots of work time planned (must get revisions finished!; other writing, and so on) in the next few weeks.

8. Taking Little T to visit family a few states away with my Mom the week before Christmas - am excited but need to get work done so I don't fret over not having it done and can visit with family I rarely see and need to see.

Motivation

Last week I seriously asked myself why I was doing this and if I could do this. I sat at my computer and sobbed and then I called Mr. T and sobbed and told him that I was a big loser and couldn't do this obviously and that I had wasted our time uprooting our family and our lives to try to reach an unreachable goal. Yes, I was a bit melodramatic. I had lost all motivation. I was receiving all sorts of great feedback but I felt like I was sinking. It is the same problem over and over again, which means I'm not learning.

But then I talked to my major prof and she helped me to see that I have gotten somewhere and that this draft is far from my first draft (which is true!). She gave me some specific examples that helped me see things more clearly. I hate when I don't understand something. I don't want to ask for help or clarification for the fear of seeming incompetent, but I can't learn if I don't understand. I'm not sinking anymore...I'm still dog-paddling because I don't have my confidence back completely, but I'm not sinking and that is enough right now.

When to have a baby as an academic?

I’ve been sitting on this blog post for some time now and well since we just came to some sort of decision, I’ve decided to go ahead and write about it.

Although I had been thinking about this topic for some time now, two posts really got my wheels turning. First was One Bright Star's post about getting advice for one of her mentees on having a baby during school and the second was Sara’s post on becoming a mom in grad school. It was really all the bloggers and their comments and posts that helped me figure out a way to at least talk about this topic versus just thinking about this topic.

Little T is almost 16 months old now and we were trying to decide if we should wait to have another kid when I am in a TT position or if it would be easier to have another one towards the end of my program (getting pregnant in a year or so). We aren't ready to have another child yet, but most people keep telling us that it will be easier to do it while I am a student since there is more flexibility. It is kind of crazy and hectic now – it’s going to get worse?!?!?!

The only problem is that we are ready to settle down and be where we are going to be in life – well at least for me to have a job and so on. On the other hand we don’t want to wait. There are a variety of reasons that support both sides for us, and I’ve been going back and forth. Finally Mr. T just said, stop planning. Let’s just do it when we want and we will figure the rest out later. I’m a planner so this idea is difficult for me but it does lift a weight of worry off of my shoulders. So that is it for now. I am going to keep on trucking along on my dissertation. We will try to get pregnant sometime in the spring/fall. I am going to stop planning so much as it makes me a bit nuts sometimes. Although at other times it is the beacon of sanity.

fun times!

Thoroughly enjoying myself at a conference although I really miss Mr. T and Little T.

Mr. T said that Little T has been calling for me today so I will be very happy to be home tomorrow evening to see them.

I did enjoy meeting new people and hanging out with friends last night.

Connectedness

So after a hard week last week (I was feeling overwhelmed with life and school) Mr. T and I talked. Part of my anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed were coming from me knowing that something was wrong with him but not knowing what. This is odd for us. We ALWAYS communicate – it is one of our strong points in our relationships. Of course when we finally started to talk he was leaving for a work trip and we had to have most of our conversation via the phone. Nevertheless, the conversation worked. He told me what was going on, he called some family and talked to them about it as well (it involved them), he called me back and we talked more.

As I was sitting in bed that night, I realized that I was still feeling anxious and overwhelmed but couldn’t figure it out. I sat and thought about it. In my head it kept coming back to the same thing, but I pushed it away. Finally, I picked up the phone, dialed Mr. T, and said “I need to say something but I don’t want a reaction or a solution, I just need to say it/” He said, “okay,” but I could tell he was nervous. I just said it and immediately felt better. I waited a few minutes and then told him we could talk about it. We had an amazing conversation. I was so scared to say it out loud but I had too. It wasn’t anything related to our relationship…just me (although I affects us). It was about who I am - what I want to be – how I have changed. His anxiety was related to connectedness - my anxiety was somewhat related to connectedness. I’ve blogged about this before, but sometimes during the week, I need a break. Without these breaks I become unproductive and lose my connection to life, to myself, to Mr. T. My recent lack of breaks results in a fading of a connection to Mr. T and it’s not worth that. So what did I do?...

I purchased a board game (I grew up playing games, although Mr. T did not). I know kind of an odd thing to do. But we played this week. It took us an hour and we thoroughly enjoyed it. The game is easy to play but requires lots of strategy so at least I am using my brain. I had never heard of it but was buying a game for a friend’s birthday and got it for her so I just picked up an extra set. We played, we laughed, we talked, and we just enjoyed our time together.

It was just what I needed – it was just what we needed.

Take it and own it!

As I revise my chapters (I turned in one that I think is almost there!!!!), I continue to look at another note on my bulletin board with another piece of wonderful advice from my advisor to "Take it and own it." Sometimes I don't have confidence in my own writing and research abilities, I am just a student, and reading this helps me to realize that I can do this! This is my research! I know it better than others, I just have to articulate it and own it!

How do they do it?

Professors – how do they do it? How will I do it? In our faculty search last year someone asked the interviewee, how do you plan to juggle work and life? I wanted to look at that person and go, um, is this possible? I have no idea how I would answer that question and I’m not even a professor yet.

I want to be in academia so badly, yet I'm not sure that I want such a hectic lifestyle. Is it possible to have both? I want to have date nights with my husband, family time just to hang out, leisurely reading time, time to clean and do personal things, just time "off" sometimes. I need time each week to give my brain a break - to refresh and reboot. I find that giving myself a day off each week or every other week makes me a much more productive person. But would this practice be laughed at by others? Would I be considered a slacker or someone who doesn't work as hard? Academia doesn't seem to be set up for this. Yet, some professors manage to find the balance. Many of the bloggers I read struggle with the work-life balance but they manage to make it happen most of the time, I think. What is their secret? What is your secret?

An Annoyance!

I've been sick the last few days and am starting to get over it so perhaps I am a bit more irritated than usual but...I get really annoyed when people cut corners and I am working my butt off doing things the proper way. Some of my fellow PhD students want to collect data and conduct research for their dissertation before they even write their proposals and get committee approval. Aside from the fact that they might end up doing work that might not get approval from their committee, thus wasting their time and their participants’ time (although the work could be used as a pilot), why do they insist on doing things their way? I guess the problem is that they see other students doing this with permission of their major profs…sure go ahead and collect your data – do your study and then they don’t understand why they can’t do it. Maybe in some instances the major prof gives the okay? Otherwise, why would the major prof okay something like that? I don’t know enough about it I guess. I can see instances when it might be okay to start collecting the data, but at the same time I don’t understand it. That is all.

When will you be finished?

People (friends/family/anyone who knows I'm getting a PhD) keep asking me when I will be finished and it is really tiring to both Mr. T and I. I don't know what to say anymore. I've been saying a year or two for the last year or so. Several people look at me and say, well you did have a baby - (what the hell does that mean anyway?!?). Others ask why it is taking so long and I want to grab them and shake them and say I'm getting a PhD not a blizzard from the Dairy Queen - geez it's not so easy! Plus it's not really cut and dry. There are so many factors. I was hoping to turn in my proposal chapters by the end of September, but that is only in a few days. Mr. T told me not to expect to defend my proposal chapters until next semester, then if it happens earlier I will be excited! But in reality I will be upset if it takes this long.

Sigh...I wish I could answer their questions. I wish I actually knew the answer. But I don't.

Fight the guilt!

I just looked up and saw the post-it on my bulletin board with these words scribbled on it. I remember sitting with my advisor and her telling me to "fight the guilt!"

Awesome Research Group

We have an informal research group that started up in my program this semester and I am LOVING it! It got somewhat heated as we chatted about methods/ethics and so on. I miss it. I enjoyed being part of a group – reminded me of class. We read – we talk – me likes!

Almost 1 month~

Wow - it has been almost a month since I last posted.

My new blogging goal - to post and comment weekly.

Since we last talked...I've started saying "no" more often but not enough. I am getting ready to say "no" to something I just got emailed. It feels good. Family weddings are out of the way for the time being and we won't be traveling until Thanksgiving hopefully! Yippee!!! I am part of a research group and it feels good. We read and chat about research - others - our own - all of it feels good. Connects me to my fellow peeps. It gets lonely sometimes when you are no longer taking classes. Speaking of school...I am still writing and revising but perhaps I am getting closer. No, let me rephrase -I am getting closer!

Stop saying Yes~!

I just read this essay from Higher Education Chronicle and thought it was really interesting. I have a really hard time saying no, but recently my major prof told me I need to start saying "no" so I can focus on my own interests, dissertation, and research. I've done a ton of service in our program and have taken on so many extra opportunities that are great, but it is time to refocus. Of course family and loved ones are first. Then my dissertation. Then my other research projects. Then my assistantship and other stuff I guess. Of course the assistantship gets moved up sometimes because without it I wouldn't have my tuition covered. But overall I've started to say "no" to things. I was asked to do a task recently that would have required a lot of work on my part and it would have been just to help some other students (it was being a mentor for a comps study group). I really want to help others, but the amount of work they were asking of me was insane. I declined, gave them some suggestions, and told them I could answer questions if needed. Then I gave them some resources and went on my way. I am also bowing out of being in a leadership role after my term is up because as much as I want to stay on, I just don't have the time. So I will help when I can - volunteer to be a part of the group still - but overall, I just have to say no. This is true in my personal life as well, but I'm getting better at it.

The point is that I am starting to say no. Now do I have guilt about saying no, well that is another story.

I wonder why I...

feel bad for asking for money people owe me or for stuff that people borrowed. I don't ask unless I need it back for some reason or if I need the money, etc. But I hate the I feel guilty asking for MY stuff back.

The money thing really bugs me. I paid for the hotel room for my sister's bachelorette party. Two people gave me checks - two cash. I am awaiting the other check - she buggered out early before she could give it to me and said she would mail it in a text. This was a pretty expensive hotel that Mr. T got for an awesome deal by playing the "I stay in these hotels all the time" card. Finally, almost two weeks later I had to ask her for the check. I wish she wouldn't have put me in that position to even ask because then I feel bad that I am asking my friend for money. But on the same note, I can't afford to pay her way.

I hope I haven't done this or don't do this to anyone. I know I forget to give people back their stuff sometimes and when they ask I always feel bad but for the most part I don't forget. And I always pay people. But I don't want people to think I'm petty or anal about money, etc.

Talk with Major Prof

I spoke with my major prof and feel much better. I talked about all of my concerns and feelings, etc and she assured me that I am on the right track and doing well.

During that conversation we also talked about life and happiness and living life the best that we can. I somewhat lost sight of where I am going and why I want to go into academia. Sometimes it just takes a short conversation including support and confidence to get back on track. Thanks, major prof.

Yesterday's Post

Okay, so reading my post from yesterday I realized that I was in a bad mood. My friend does do things herself, I guess I just get frustrated sometimes hearing it all the time. I wish she would take some responsibility. Maybe I am being defensive because it took this same friend who had an awful first draft (her major prof wouldn't even read past the first page) just a few weeks to get a finished third draft of one chapter and I am sitting here on my third draft with no end in sight. Just being whiny. Sigh...

I must admit that writing out my feelings does make me feel better whether it is whiny or not.

Tired of it!

Okay, this will be brief, but I am tired of people making comments about how hard their major prof is and how "raw" the major prof is and how everything is so critical and they think that the mountains of feedback they get on things is because of their major prof is so hard and not because they need to work on their own shit. The whole "my professor is harder than yours" is really tiresome and annoying and not true in my opinion. I believe that each major prof is hard in their own way with their own students. My major prof for example doesn't stay on my ass to do things. It is my own fault if I take my own sweet time and mess things up. If I'm not motivated then it is my problem and I will face whatever consequences come from it. My friend's major prof stays on her all to get things in all the time. She doesn't do it on her own.

Annoying. That is all.

Lots of Feedback!

I received a lot of really great feedback on my prospectus, but I will be honest that it took me a few days to get over all of it. I left feeling overwhelmed and upset. It wasn't that it was that bad and my adviser said there was a lot of improvement, but I guess I wasn't expecting that much stuff to have to revise. I am ready to jump in and get to the next step, but I'm really not ready I guess. It is hard. But I'm over it now. After reading through it again and replaying the conversation we had, I see all of it more clearly. I "get" the changes (haha - I think I do). I'm almost finished with the first chapter of revisions and working on one of the other chapters. So onward we go.

life updates

Vacation was awesome and relaxing.

Meeting with adviser and getting feedback on numerous things including dissertation stuff on Friday <-- YAY!!!!!

Little T is taking steps and has moved up in her school to the next room. She seems to really be thriving there. She is really funny and very fun to be around and is like a sponge. I find myself laughing all the time. It feels really good.

Mr. T and I are adjusting well to being back together. I really miss him this week - he has 4 day training and is out of town. Makes me grateful to have him home most of the time. Life just makes more sense when we are in the same place at the same time.

Life is great with everyone home!

I've been MIA for a while because I've been enjoying time with Mr. T (he is home!!!!) and with Little T - who is so amazing and keeps changing daily. I am amazed at how much more I can get done in school - in research - in life with Mr. T around to help. I don't feel as exhausted and have gotten a TON of stuff accomplished! I turned in a draft of the first 3 chapters to my adviser. I'm working on two other research studies and brainstorming a third. My house, although a mess, is not near the mess it was. And I actually have time to just sit after dinner if I want. Granted I am still behind on some stuff but I am afloat. I am no longer sinking and it feels good. I am so thankful!

On the horizon...

• Next week a trip to the beach without my computer or Internet! I might even turn off my phone while we are there. This is the first "long" vacation we have taken since the honeymoon. It will be 4 nights and 5 days at the beach sans works and school.

• Early in the fall I hope to defend my prospectus. The earlier the better so I can start collecting data.

• My sister's wedding in September. I am planning the bachelorette party now. It has been a while since I've planned a girl's weekend (or been to one) but I am really looking forward to it. We are going to a historic city and plan to do some walking tours before we enjoy the yummy cuisine and of course bar scene. My sister and her friends are all 4-5 years younger than me so hopefully I won't get left in the dust! Luckily a couple of my close older friends will also be there so I don't feel so old. FUN!

Just when I think...

I am catching up I fall behind again! Little T is sick - sore throat and fever that keeps spiking up t0 104.5. It's not strep luckily but of course Mr. T is out of town for training. He is coming home tonight and taking off tomorrow so I can get some writing done. If I am to finish in a month (which has to happen if I want to defend in the Fall) I have no choice but to get my revisions finished.

Tiger Dreams

Mr T and I had a conversation the other day and I told him that I hoped that I can take off part of my summers once I become a prof so I can hang out with our kids more while they are out of school. I know this isn't likely but I want to think that it is. He seemed to think that even if they don't teach classes, most profs are super-busy in the summer (he is right of course), but maybe I can have a less crazy summer schedule?

A TigerMom can dream, right?

More on Academia and Babies

I've been M.I.A. for a while...TAing a summer class and working on some research. But I have been trying to keep up with reading various blogs and a while back something I wrote inspired this post by Profgrrrrl.

I found her post and several of the comments interesting and it made me think about how much I talk about Little T and what types of school situations do I talk about her and what types I do not talk about her. I've started trying to take note of whether it is other people bringing her up or if I am bringing her up. I've found that I bring her up about 50% of the time when the other person has a baby or toddler. The other half of the time they bring her up and ask how she is. Sometimes I wonder if they are asking to be polite or if they really want to know how she is (another issue I think). However, I rarely bring her up if the person doesn't have young children or if they don't ask (people without babies still ask about her). We have a very family friendly program and have several events in which all family members are invited so Little T is known by many in the program. Plus we are friends on social networking sites and they see pictures of her frequently. The people that know her and always want to hold her tend to be the ones that ask about her.

write revise write revise

this is what I am focusing on right now...I am revising my first few dissertation chapters to get it ready to send to my major prof in about a month. Trying to stick to a reasonable timeline.

Mr. T is home but is still traveling for training purposes. It is nice to have him home some of the time though! Last week was so wonderful!

Little T is just amazing.

Mr. T is coming back soon!

He finished out the project in Workville last week and is in TrainingTown this week and after that he should be back in TigerTown working!!! I am trying to imagine what life will be like with him back and can't really. He has been traveling in some form since we moved to TigerTown. I imagine that I won't be as exhausted because I will have help - or if I am exhausted I will at least get much more done! I will probably start cooking again. We will have our weekends free to do stuff we want to do rather than stuff we have to cram into a weekend because we couldn't get it done during the week (run errands, etc). A romantic life outside of the weekends ;-)

I will have my friend and husband back. Little T and Furry T will have their daddy home.

I am so happy!

exhausted

I'm exhausted. Little T is sick. Mr. T is still out of town. It is days like today that I wish he was home so he could take off some and I wouldn't fall so far behind. I haven't had a chance to work on my dissertation in a couple of weeks and am saddened by this. I have so much to do in so little time. But I'm tired. By the end of the day I'm so exhausted that I have trouble putting mental effort into anything. *Sigh*

Babies and Academia

A friend of mine at another university told me that another student didn't want to take classes from one of the professors because he heard that this professor wasn't a good professor. My friend found this odd because she thought this professor was a great teacher, so she asked what he meant by "good professor" and he said that he had heard that she was too into her babies and didn't have time for her classes/students, etc.

I'm floored that because someone has children it affects how other people see her as a professor. My friend said her program is pretty family-friendly and most of the professors have children so it makes me wonder what is really going on. Is there one person running around talking shit about this professor and will one bad evaluation via word of mouth hurt this professor? Is this professor slacking on class duties because of stuff at home? Life happens and sometimes things at home do get into the way of work but from what it sounds like from my friend, this professor is still a good teacher. She has a new baby - (6 months I think) - maybe during the adjustment period she wasn't up to par as usual? Does this give people the right to write her off as a good professor? As long as she is still meeting her roles and responsibilities, I don't think so. No one is perfect...maybe that's the problem, students see their professors as perfect beings instead of real people with real lives. I just don't know. Maybe I am seeing things differently because I have a 10 month old?

Amazon Meme

So this meme sounds cool although my current Amazon account only goes back to 2007 and I can't access my old account...I got married - got a new email - and got a new account. I have no idea when I started using Amazon but I know it was well before 2007. Anyway, the first item I ordered in 2007 was Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris

Lessons Learned!

I just got back from a conference and learned so much!

My research made sense to other people! This is a big deal as I've been having trouble articulating my research.

I did a good job presenting...I spoke loudly although there wasn't a mic and one was needed...I wasn't shaky although there were a lot of people there and I was really nervous...I felt confident afterward. Overall, it was a good experience.

I presented some research for a friend...I was second author but I was only really, really familiar with part of the research. My friend was sick and couldn't come so I chatted about her poster for her. I answered questions (there was only one question I couldn't answer). I felt that I did a good job. I was proud of myself for taking the challenge and not caving into my insecurities.

I can do this.

blogging

I am going to try to blog more frequently this summer. I have a lot to say and not a lot to say but am not sure what I want to put on my blog so I end up not blogging. So my goal this summer is to take it from Nike and just do it...

I want...

I almost don't believe it. This semester has been a blur. I don't know how to make it slow down and I can't remember a time when it is gone by so quickly. Little T will be a year this summer and yet I feel as though I was just pregnant - was just fretting over prelims - was just at the hospital - was just looking back and forth at Mr. T and Little T when we first got home from the hospital thinking, "what now?" Here I am trying to figure it all out and trying to be okay with not knowing it all. And that's okay. Since I can't slow down time, I need to figure out what I want to do with my time. Perhaps I will start small and think about this summer...summer starting pretty much now.

• I want to slow down a bit and take in Little T and all that she is. I want to pay special attention to her as she changes each day. I don't want to miss a thing.
  
• I want to immerse myself in reading, writing, and research.
  
• I want to begin to unfold the phenomenon that I am so interested in.
  
• I want to sink my toes in the warm sand and lie on the beach becoming one with it all perhaps with a cold drink in my hand.
  
• I want to visit with family and friends and take time for life.
  
• I want to hold hands with Mr. T and just be present.
  
• I want...

I wonder what you want?

it's been a while

It's been over a month since I've blogged or commented on anyone's blogs although I've managed to keep up with reading of blogs. Things have been a bit hectic to say the least. A lot has happened in my little world and I am a bit overwhelmed by it all. Mr. T is still out of town. Little T and I are figuring out life with just the two of us. We don't know how long we will be in this situation and are grateful that Mr. T is able to come home on most weekends. He wasn't able to come home this past weekend and I miss him terribly. I feel bad that he is missing Little T do all of these wonderfully marvelous things (e.g. she is pulling up and handing me a particular toy I ask for), and I know he is lonely in Workville. His project has been extended another month. He is looking into other possibilities as well.

I went to bed early Friday - I forgot how refreshing it is to sleep an uninterrupted 8 hours. It was well worth it! I had some girlfriends over for dinner and drinks Saturday (they brought dinner) and just hung out with Little T all weekend. I was dragged to a spin class on Sunday and it felt wonderful!!!! They have childcare through a sitting service and Little T enjoyed playing with the other children. I didn't get any work done all weekend. Part of me is upset by this but part of me is just happy to have my head above the water. I think I am going to look into figuring out how to make time to work out a couple times a week - I have to figure out the childcare situation and the logistics of actually finding and giving time but I really need this.

I will not be defending my prospectus as planned. I really really want to do it before summer but it is not possible to make all the revisions and get it to my chair by the end of this week. So I will move my defense to the first of the fall semester and work on all the other things that need be in shape before I can really move onto the phase.

I was nominated for an award in my program and am excited about being nominated. I lined up a couple of friends to come hang out with Little T while I am at the reception. Last year I was hugely pregnant and Mr. T and I had a wonderful time at the reception and then at dinner afterward. It will be lonely going by myself, but I will fill Mr. T in on all the details later.

There are a lot of other things going on but that's all for now. Until then an exhausted but excited TMP is signing off.

Life Updates

Little T and I are heading to Temporary Workville to see Mr. T this weekend and will be there for an entire week. I don't recall what's it's like seeing him for more than a couple of days in a row and can't wait! Little T and I will be visiting all the great sites while Mr. T works.

Tomorrow Little T get's tubes in her ears and I'm stressing about Mr. T not being here. Although it's really common and only takes 20 minutes, I enlisted a friend to come sit with me while she is in the surgery. The thought of her in a little hospital gown being put under is scary!

I am finishing up revisions on Chapter 1 (wooo-whoooo!!!) and attempting to set a date for my prospectus defense.

I'm caught up on my student organization/mentor committee duties.

We made exciting progress on some research earlier this week and put the other study on the back-burner for a while so I'm not stressing about it now.

So far so good...

This week has been good so far. I've written several pages in the last two days and done a tiny bit of research done. I also talked to my major prof about several things and feel good about what I am doing at this point. I miss Mr. T like crazy but had a friend come over for about an hour yesterday to have a glass of wine and chat about research. This evening I had another friend come over so I could walk both Furry T and the baby at the same time. Big dog + stroller makes it difficult to do by myself. With Mr T gone she doesn't go on as many walks during the week. It's okay - she has a yard to run around in but I know she wants to be out and about. After our walk we had a glass of wine and caught up. We did have to cancel company coming in this weekend. I'm really bummed about it but it was going to be really stressful with everything else occurring right now. Little T, Furry T, and I are heading on a 6-hour trip to visit with my parents for a night and drop off Furry T with my in-laws. Then Little T and I are driving another 3 hours the next morning to visit with friends and family. I am looking forward to it. I think Mr. T and I are going to spend the weekend just being together and of course packing and what not. I may do a little bit of proofing and revising if I don't finish before Friday.

I am turning 30 on Monday. I will be traveling most of the day but my mom is going to make me a birthday dinner - the dinner I use to request growing up. I asked for the same thing except for the chocolate cake with chocolate icing. I'm requesting a childhood favorite: pork chops, applesauce, mashed potatoes, and peas with angel food cake and strawberries for dessert. I loved getting to choose what I wanted for dinner on my birthday. There was something about it that made me feel extra special even though there were only a few meals that I ever requested. I'm not sure how I feel about turning 30. I am bummed I don't get to see Mr. T when I have spent my birthday with him for the last 10 or so years but I will see him the day before and the weekend after. I am driving back that Friday and picking him up from the airport on the way home. Then we spend the weekend together. I remember thinking that 30 was really, really old. And now I feel like its so freaking young! I don't feel like I look like the old 30 year folks from my childhood ;-)

The other day Mr. T and I had a conversation about how crazy our life is right now and if this is what we see for ourselves. It's not at all how we want to live life - we are ambitious but also laid back and want that kind of lifestyle but with a career. Not sure if that's a possibility. At this time, I'm going to be hopeful.

So although I'm still really behind, I'm doing okay. I'm really looking forward to next week. I will do a small amount of work but other than that I am going to take a break. The next week is spring break - I will play catch-up then.

Balance

This post was inspired by a recent post written by Profgrrrrl about the life work balance. From her post I learned that its all about expectations and its all about forgiveness. I too am not superwoman. I can't do it all, and I shouldn't expect to be able to.

I am struggling with this as well as you can see from previous posts I've written. I know I can't do it all and that I need to find a balance but sometimes its easier to say than to actually do. I can't go into my head and make myself stop feeling this way, but I can begin to make smaller changes.


Here are a few changes:
I have decided that when I pick Little T up from day care, we will hang out from that time until she goes to bed. That is time that is for her. I know something will come up occasionally, but for the most part it's all about us. If I need to do more work, I will do it after I put her to bed.

I have decided that I'm not going to do work all weekend because I don't get to see Mr T during the week and I need to spend time with him. Each weekend that I spend by myself working is slowly chipping away a piece of me and my relationship with Mr. T. I don't want to wake up one morning wondering what happened to us...to me. He deserves his wife. I deserve this relationship. Once again things will happen and some weekends will be needed for school but for the most part, when I don't see Mr T during the week I want to see him on the weekends.

I have decided that I have time to make healthy eating habits on a regular basis. It's all about portion control. I can't work out all the time therefore I have to eat better. I can take time to make a grocery list and go to the store on the weekend (or send Mr. T).

I have decided that when things aren't working, I've got to re-evaluate and make changes not wait on changes to happen by themselves.

So thank you Profgrrrrl!

Update on Things

Mr. T left for Workville yesterday. I miss him already. He is sick so he isn't as enthused as he was the last time he was up there. Plus he knows it will be M-F for the next couple of months. Little T and I are doing okay. Its only day 2 but we can do this.

I had lunch with my mommie phd friends and am really grateful for the wonderful things in my life. I have a great relationship with my major prof who is not only my adviser, but my friend and mentor. Turns out they are peeved that they don't have this kind of relationship. I have an awesome husband and partner who is super supportive. Since my last post, I've realized that these things go both ways. Yes, my friend has a crappy major prof, but I'm only hearing her "side" of things. I want her to succeed, and I know she wants to succeed she just needs to realize that she can. She needs to feel more comfortable talking to her committee - she doesn't understand all of the feedback and if she doesn't get it right this time its over. Maybe she needs to go talk to them and tell them, "I didn't understand what you meant by X" Maybe not - I'm not really sure. I don't know the dynamics of committee. I'm at a point where all I can do is listen. She is asking for advice and I don't know what to say. So I listen. I support. I'm there.

My other friend is really pessimistic and I've known this for a while. The grass is always greener on the other side for her. We try and try to help but there is always something else.

Lastly, I think my commuter friend is going to be okay. Her and I talked for a while by ourselves and no matter what she decides she is going to be okay. I know that. Her situation isn't ideal, but she has the spark, and I told her she needs to decide if finishing is really what she wants. I told her to think down the road - not right now. She needs to remember why she started all of this and then decide if its the right path for her or if her path has changed. She can go on to do great things in industry if that what she wants. She just needs to figure that out and I think she will get there. Why do all of this if its not what you want to do?

mommie-PhDs

This week isn't looking so well for some of my mommie-Phd friends. One wants to quit because her daughter won't go to her and is scared of her husband (she commutes with her mother and daughter so her daughter only sees her husband a few days a week and she spends all day on campus and only sees her in small increments of time). Another wants to quit because its becoming too much for her. She didn't pass her preliminary exam and is allowed to revise but is having trouble with it. The third is trying her best but can't seem to get there. I partially fault her major prof because he isn't doing his job (in my lowly opinion as a student). I feel that if she isn't hacking it, why isn't he giving her more feedback, occasionally giving a few words of support, or at the very least calling her in to talk through the research design. Isn't that the point? I'm not asking for hand holding because I think she can do it if she is pushed, but some support from him would be nice. Maybe I have the wrong idea as to what a major professor is suppose to do. Instead she gets grammatical feedback (the day before she meets her committee) that takes her less than 30 minutes to address and the comment "well maybe your committee will throw you a bone" Prior to that he didn't even bother looking at her paper - he just went by the other committee's feedback. Ummm...isn't that part of your job? Where's the meat? Why isn't he teaching her? He doesn't even provide her with constructive criticism. It makes me so sad because I know how hard she is trying. So I am sad. I want us to thrive in academia. I believe in mommie-PhDs.

Guilt

Sometimes I don't understand why I feel so guilty for taking time to just relax with a book, hang out with my husband, ignore my phone or email for a small period of time, take Little T to the park, watch a movie, or just do nothing. I feel like I have to justify why I am taking time to live life when my house is a mess, I've got a pile of research and work to do, and I need to work on the millions of other things that I'm behind on. When I think about it it doesn't make sense at all and yet I still feel the guilt.

New List

So I came up with a list hoping it would rid me of the tears that I am on the verge of producing...I think once I start crossing things off I will feel better. Some of these things are just things I have to do where as others are school/work related...I need to finish this list by the end of the week. I think I can send Mr. T to do a couple of these non-school related things.

1. Niece's 1st birthday present - buy and send (DONE)
   
2. Mentor stuff - on a committee and need to fulfill my duties
   
3. Research P (GOING TO MOVE THIS TO NEXT WEEK)
   
4. Research B - Task 1 / Task 2 -- going to take me a LONG time to do these (Started Task 1 and Task 2)
   
5. Work on my dissertation - write - write - write!
   
6. Take time to blog -- really this is just for my sanity...
   
7. Call friend 1 that had a baby recently - these are really close friends - not calling them is shitty! (DONE)
   
8. Call friend 2 that had a baby recently -- same as above (DONE)
   
9. Upload new stuff for computer (DONE)
   
10. Schedule coffee with potential doc student - wondering why I said I had time to do this
    
11. Check prices and accommodations for conference (DONE although didn't book anything)
    
12. Turn in funding paperwork - due today by 5pm (DONE)
    
13. Try to figure out SL costs and look into TSL for potential workshop -- doesn't have to be this week but need to get it together because I can really use the money (DONE)
    
14. Spend quality time with Mr. T and Little T - once again for my sanity (Been doing this all week)
    
15. Grade stuff (DONE)
    

UPDATE: I feel much better. Mr. T and I talked - he helped me look at all of the awesomeness that is in my life and helped me realize that I'm just having a bad day and although I am entitled to a downer day, I don't need to forget all the great things in my life. Today is the only time since I've started my PhD program that I seriously wondered if I could do it, which scared me I think. I've thought it before, but not like this.

Craziness!

Okay, so I think its finally happened and Mr. T hasn't even left for his work travels. I am cracking. I have so much to do and don't know how I am going to get it all finished. I missed a deadline for an application today, and I NEVER do things like that. I am a mess today. I have to write today and take care of TA responsibilities. I have a research meeting, have to go to campus to figure out paperwork, and have to figure out how I am going to find the time for these two other research studies that I am involved heavily with and am enjoying. I only have a few more days with Mr. T so I want to spend time with him before he leaves but at the same time I should take advantage of the fact that he can take care of Little T when she gets home.

On top of all of this I am freaking out about money. There are conferences to present at and only a small amount of money to be had and I may have missed the deadline for it. To present and be a part of the research community is so expensive. Even with funding last semester I had to spend almost $1000 at the conference I presented at. With Mr. T's position changes (he no longer gets commission) and with the added expenses of having a baby this year and with me being a student money is tight. I really wanted to spend a week with Mr. T while he is in Workville, which is really just airfare and food money, but honestly I don't think we can do it. He was going to go with me to the conference so he could keep Little T and I can do conference stuff and we could spend some family time together in the evenings but now he might not able to do that. We considered him taking off (and not going to the conference) and keeping her in Tigertown to save money, but he probably can't take off. When it rains it pours I guess. I am so grateful that Mr. T has a job and that I have an assistantship to help with school but its still so hard. I know I can get through this.

Okay - I'm done. I got it off of my chest and now I'm going to figure out how to make it all work.

Thoughts on this?

Although my university doesn’t have this in place (yet), I would be interested to hear your thoughts about this…

http://cuwebd.ning.com/forum/topics/social-media-policies

Writing & Such

I have been writing all week. I am determined to get my first three chapters of my dissertation finished by the end of the month. This has been a much harder task than I anticipated but its going. I still feel like its all over the place. I have all this stuff written but am not sure where to put anything at this point. I’m just going to keep writing and then figure that part out later.

I am missing Little T greatly as she has been in day care all week. We hung out at baby sign group yesterday morning and then I dropped her off but it still sucks. Mr. T seemed to enjoy his first few days traveling for work. He had excitement in his voice when talking about work which is a new thing since we’ve moved to TigerTown so that makes me really happy. But I am realizing that doing all this on my own in the next couple of months is going to be hard. Its one of those times that I wish we lived near family. I had an issue with day care this week. They fed Little T chicken when I clearly communicated (or so I thought) that we were only feeding her certain foods due to food allergy risks and the fact that I’m not ready for whipped meats. We are making most of our food and she is only 7 months.

A friend was in town so Little T and I had people over and they brought dinner. It was awesome catching up but by 11:30 I was exhausted and ready for them to go. I feel bad because on the one hand we use to hang out during the week all of the time before Little T was born but on the other hand none of them have kids so the idea of getting up early and having to get yourself and baby ready isn’t on their minds. After I accidentally dozed off on the couch during conversation they were like, we should run. They have been so awesome and have been some of my only friends without babies that we still hang out with but its still different which is hard sometimes.

Hello!

Green hat, blue hat, mom hat, student hat?

I started this blog because as a mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a Ph.D. student, etc., I need a place to talk about all the different "hats" that I wear. I have been reading academic related blogs for two years now and in the last several months I've thought about what I would write if I actually started blogging. I thought about how I would comment. What I would post. I even imagined the responses I would get. But for some reason or another, I didn't take the next step. So here I am. Writing my first "academic" blog post.

I have just entered in the "dissertation" stage of my doctoral journey and am now trying to figure out what exactly to do first. I met with my major prof and am going to have her my first three chapters by the end of this month, hopefully.

My daughter, Little T, will be 7 months at the end of the week and I am really just now feeling like I am getting back to my normal self. I still have about 10lbs of pregnancy weight to lose and still have "mommy" moments in which I forget what I am saying and can't think of things, but overall life is good. Mr. T just had a position change and will be traveling several days each week for the next few months so things may get a little chaotic. He is going to be in far-far-away land and will be gone M-F. Usually, Little T goes to daycare 2.5 days a week and the rest of the time stays home with me. However, due to the mountains of writing I have to do and Mr. T being gone this month, she will be in daycare full time this month. I am fortunate that I can do a large part of my assistantship from home and am teaching Little T all about being a Ph.D. student. However, I count on Mr. T helping me out when he gets home so with his new schedule and arrangements things have changed.

So here I am. Just a blurb on the blogosphere talking about my hats. :)