Holiday

I am taking a holiday and going to do my best to actually take a break over the next two weeks so I'm not sure how often I will get on my computer, which means blogging and blog reading will be little to none. Have a Happy Holiday and safe travels to those traveling! "See" you all in 2012!

Grading Dilemma Advice Please

Stu is .75 points away from an A. Stu's final project which was a group project suffered because the group chose to veer from the original project plan because they didn't have time to meet and work together. Their project was inconsistent and not robust enough which left them with a B grade. Since the final project is a large portion of their final grade, Stu's final grade was hurt. Stu's portion of the project was actually the only portion of the project that was on plan with what we talked about and if the group would have done this for their entire project, I am confident they would have gotten an A. However, the group did not do this. Stu emails me explaining that s/he tried to talk to the group and convince them not to change the project but that they did not listen and asks if I will reevaluate her grade. I went back and evaluated Stu's work and attendance. On the peer evaluations Stu scored her peers mediocre but not badly that I thought anything of it, but s/he is an undergrad and may not have felt comfortable scoring them poorly. Stu is a good student and hir work reflects this. However, Stu did miss one class (we have class once a week so I get that) and did not turn in two small assignments, which were worth 3.5 points of the 100 total points. Part of me understands what Stu is going through because I've been there (not that long ago...)and had bad group experiences. Part of me also feels that s/he should have scored her peers lower on the peer evaluation or come to me earlier about the problems the group was having (they worked on the project for 2.5 weeks) and that if s/he would have completed the other assignments s/he would have gotten the A. Mr. T had a situation similar to this when he was in undergrad except he turned in all of his assignments. He said that he was grateful the professor considered his work separately because otherwise the group project would have dropped his final grade an entire letter. Uggghh...this story makes me want to be sympathetic. 

What would you do? Would you adjust the student's grade based on hir portion or would you explain that if s/he would have turned in all of hir other assignments s/he wouldn't be in this position in the first place. 

Student Evaluations

This is the first time I will get student evaluations...I am a little nervous because well I'm being evaluated but it will be constructive to me as a teacher to hear what they have to say. I've tried to encourage my students to talk about assignments, the class, etc as we went along, but I realized that they were worried about saying anything negative about the assignments, class, etc. I explained that my feelings don't get hurt because I didn't create the syllabi or assignments and that helped and because we all learn from constructive criticism. By the end of the semester they were open about things such as not liking group work because they couldn't find the time outside of class to meet. So we will see... In the meantime I did get a few nice comments from students. What I liked most about the comments was that they said I was patient and encouraging and didn't move on until they truly understood the concepts and that that these things made a huge difference in their experience. They also mentioned that I helped them to relate the concepts to things they will be able to use in their future careers.

My Favorite Things

Oprah has her favorites things each year (I will admit that I miss the Oprah show!) so I’m going to write a post on a few of my favorite things (imagine Julia Andrews singing and you will be in my head). 

Tea (green tea, white chai, various herbal teas)

 Evernote app 

Beach Music by Pat Conroy (just one of my many favorite books...)

Doritos, especially this new flavor

Hot sauce, especially Tapatio and Cholula

Dark chocolate (okay any chocolate)

Olay Regenerist Night Resurfacing Elixir 

Good Coffee

Adrina Flats by Crocs

The Express 

Aden and Anais swaddle blankets

Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss (just one of my many favorite children's books)

Sharpie pens

Shutterfly photo books

What are a few of your favorite things?

Inspiration

I learned a lot from teaching this semester, but I think the greatest thing that I take away from teaching is inspiration. I am inspired by my students and the fact that they enjoy learning and want to continue to do so in order to make the world a better place (in a sense). They had to reflect each week about assignments, topics, etc and each week as I read their reflections, I am inspired. Many of my students are able to find the benefits and strengths in what we are learning and how they will be able to apply the new knowledge in the future. To me this is one of the greatest things about teaching…being inspired to learn more. 

Just curious

I teach in a face-to-face classroom, yet all of the assignments are given and turned in via the learning management system. I realized the other day that I give all of my comments and feedback digitally as well instead of printing their work, writing on it, and then handing it back in person. I began to wonder if my students expected me to turn in paper copies all along and if they were thrown off by my doing everything digitally. I never thought to ask them, although I did tell them that the feedback was online and had to show a couple of students how to locate the feedback.

So now I'm curious, what do you normally do? If you teach face-to-face, do you have students turn in hard copies of their work and give them back the hard copies or do you do everything via the learning management system and do things digitally?

Cooking with the kiddo

We have already started cooking with Little T. She loves to pull out the stool and help us whisk until we see bubbles, stir while we sing, and measure out and pour ingredients. Of course she is only 2 and a few months so there is only so much she can do, but she is great at whisking and pouring! Her scooping abilities usually result in a big mess and we laugh about being covered in flour. She loves to help make pancakes and since this is something I always did with my dad, I really enjoy making them with her (our latest were whole wheat with dark chocolate chips - perfect with sage chicken sausage on the side). 

I grew up baking cookies with my mom and can’t wait to decorate cookies with my mom, Little T, and hopefully my sister this holiday. Over Thanksgiving, Little T helped me cook the blueberry bread puddings that I took to both family dinners. My in-laws were surprised to see her helping since she is so young, but we enjoy it so why not. She helped butter the dish, tear bread,  count out scoops of bread and berries as well as other tasks. When Little T is older I will teach her some of my mom’s family recipes. I can’t wait!

Did you grow up cooking with your parents, grandparents, and so on? Do you cook with your children?

A Glorious Decision! :)

Another post about a decision I made - one that has had an immediate positive impact on my life.

This morning I woke up and was feeling much worse than the last several days so I headed to Urgent Care. The hour wait was worth it because the doctor gave me an antibiotic. I rarely get antibiotics because I am allergic to several of them so I was relieved to be given something, especially since I am solo with Little T this weekend and need to 100%.  It will take about 48 hours for the meds to really work, and I am still loaded up on Emergen-c, Mucinex-D (works the best, which is why I'm taking it, but it still makes me anxious and makes my skin crawl), and Tylenol and Zyrtec as needed. I made some chicken noodle soup with whole wheat orzo, ginger, garlic, and spinach and have eaten some of that as well. I was going to spend time grading during the break between my two dissertation interviews, but instead I slept and it was glorious!  I awoke did some work and now I am going to go hang out with the family and rest for the remainder of the evening.  The pile of papers will still be there in the morning, and I can take care of them then. I am supposed to be on campus tomorrow, but I’m not sure I am up for it and am making that decision tomorrow. Plus, who knows if I’m still contagious. That decision is for another day. 

My Decision

So I've decided not to teach next semester, which was a hard decision to make. I mentioned this before,  but I've only just started really thinking about this decision and what it means.

Part of me can't believe that after all of the work I put into the class this semester, I'm not going to teach again. Part of me wonders if I can hack it as a professor if I can't teach one class, work on my dissertation, work on other research, and do minimal tasks for my other assistantship. But I know that I could do it if I wanted. I know I will miss teaching but I finally made the decision to put me first. Is this selfish? Perhaps. But right now I am okay with this choice. I think a lot of it has to do with this life decision and how it impacts the rest of my life. I am choosing less money to spend more time with Little T and Mr. T. Sometimes I feel there is a lot of tension in my marriage because I am only spending spare moments with Mr. T and Little T and because so much is falling on Mr. T's shoulders right now. Have I mentioned how amazing he is? Perhaps it is in my head, but I wonder if he feels overburdened. I ask him and he says that he understands that right now this is how it will be. But will things change once I go into academia as a career? So I am choosing him - I am choosing Little T - I am choosing Me over it all. I am choosing not to teach to spend more time with my data and dissertation research. I have realized that this decision has to do with my quality of life. I know I will be swamped next semester. I know Little T will still be in school most every day. I know that I will miss teaching. I know that I will get to spend time working on my dissertation, which makes me happy. I plan to start back my exercise program so that I am doing more cardio and perhaps yoga or pilates along with my back exercises. So for now, I'm just going to focus on that and the rest will fall into place.

I apologize for this medicine-laced, rambling post and hope it makes sense to someone else besides me.

Great holiday break!

We had a great holiday break although Mr. T and I both have horrible head colds. I am homesick as usual. Praying the Little T doesn't get it! Had a great Black Friday shopping experience and am almost finished with all holiday shopping. The couple of things left will be ordered on Amazon. This week and next just running through end of the semester stuff and conducting dissertation interviews. This weekend spending some one-on-one time with Little T. Have a couple of babysitting play dates arranged so I can work and the rest of the time is hang-out fun time! I pray this cold is gone by then. I am loaded up on mucinex and emergen-c and am eating lots of pomegranate seeds and drinking lemon-ginger tea. Plus, the neti pot has been wonderful! Was proud of myself for going back to bed yesterday morning and going to bed early last night since I knew today would be a long day on campus. Hitting the sack early tonight as well, although I can't sleep in tomorrow...so good night all.

Addressing Blended Families on Holiday Cards: Quick Question

So I am trying to get holiday cards in order early so Mr. T can help stuff and label, and I don't know how to address one of the cards. My ex-SIL is remarried, but we were friends prior to the first marriage and divorce and before we saw the "other" side of her. Although we aren't great friends or anything, we like to remain civil and send Happy Birthday texts and whatnot because of our niece. We would like to send a Christmas card to her and our niece but aren't sure how to address it since she also has a new husband and step-children.

I was thinking:
Ex-SIL First Name Last Name, Niece First Name Last Name, & Family
SO
Jane Smith, Sally Jones, & Family

Is this appropriate? I wanted to just do Jane Smith and Sally Jones but it felt odd leaving off her family. Thoughts?

Busy Busy...

I've been traveling and playing catch-up with grading and what not, which is why I've been MIA for the last few weeks. Things just get so crazy and blogging gets bumped to the bottom of the list. Good news is that I caught up with grading (for the time being at least) and have taken time to work on my consulting gig. Other really awesome and great things have happened related to these trips, but I can't talk about them. I've gotten a large chunk of my Christmas shopping completed over the last few months so we've only got a few more things to pick up and my ortho doctor and physical therapist have both said that my back is doing much better and that I need to keep up with my exercises and don't need to see them right now since I am much stronger. We are traveling to visit family over Thanksgiving, which is exciting! I've also been enjoying smutty vampire novels and the break I get from reading them. But I've put myself on restriction from all leisurely reading until the end of the semester. I am going to finish collecting data this semester, but I have a lot more data than I really think I realized.But I am tired... sleep isn't happening as often as I would like. Wow, what a really random post...

Requesting Letters of Recommendation - what do you think?

When job hunting, I know I will be requesting several letters of recommendation from the same faculty members. How do I go about this without overburdening them and without being rude? Do I use the same letter for all faculty positions? This seems so impersonal for faculty jobs. Do I ask them what they want me to do and if they prefer to write the letter each time or if they prefer that I update the letter? What is normally done in your field?

I've already requested three letters for various things, and I already feel bad for asking a couple of the same people, but these people know me best. Any advice?

Slurp Slurp:

the sounds coming from the next cubicle as I try to work. Soup for lunch, I'm guessing.

Getting paid on sabbatical?

I know a few of you are currently on sabbatical and I was curious, how does getting paid on sabbatical work? Does it depend on how long you take sabbatical? It's for tenured professors, I'm assuming. Is this something you talk about early or is it a given that everyone will take one at some point?

Reading directions!

One of the only challenges from teaching this class (aside from finding the time to grade the millions of assignments due EACH week!) is that the students do not read their instructions! I am convinced that they read what they think is important and then ask questions to try to fill in the rest. I’ve stopped answering those questions and have begun pointing them to the syllabus, assignment, course website, etc for the answers. They are also getting use to me asking them if they read the assignment when they ask me a question in which the answer is on the assignment. Some are getting better but not all of them.

To try to get their attention I sent out an extra credit question in one of their emails (the ones that they are suppose to check weekly so they get all of the information they need). I told them the answer to the question in this same email. Earlier in class THAT day, I explained how important it was to read instructions and that they needed to check the email and announcements regularly because that was how I was going to communicate with them. I had 33% of my students respond – half of them were late but only 33% actually read the entire email and responded too it. When I brought it up in class…the others looked dumbfounded and then a couple embarrassed because clearly they hadn’t read the entire email. 

Decisions, Decisions

I made the decision not to teach next semester so I can focus on my dissertation. I love teaching but finally feel like I should just focus on my research. In fact, I am going to only keep the one 10hr assistantship (if it gets funded) so I have more time. We are going to leave Little T in school for the same number of hours most likely so I can focus on my dissertation. My goal next semester...focus on my dissertation.

Conference experience

I presented at a conference a few weeks ago and had a great experience. I have presented before and had great experiences but this one was different. Since the research is mine and not a shared project (I had advising from my major prof but it was based on part of my research). I was much more confident. The session was packed, and I had a lot of great comments and questions. People were interested in what I had to say! It was also nice to be at a conference where I didn't have to explain a lot of background information about my methods and research techniques. Aside from my major prof and a handful of students not a lot of people in my program 'get' what I am doing without explanation. Even at the big conference in my field I have to provide a lot of background. But not at this conference. No one asked me what "turnips" were or to explain the methods I was going to use to collect information about "turnip roots" and what they need to grow (even though they are widely used methods). It was nice to just talk about the research with other people familiar with root vegetables...kind of like catching up with an old friend who knows your history and background. Conference success indeed!

Random Stuff from the Week

• Mr. T is out of town all week - miss him - enjoying sleeping in the middle of the bed
• Making progress on big project
• The grading pile reminds me of Tetris upper levels. As soon as I get through the pile, it creeps back up at an alarmingly quick speed. They have stuff due every week! Wish I had the original Tetris to play on the Wii
• Getting ready for another conference
• Since Stu contacted me the one time, I haven't heard back. Didn't show up in class. Has completed one assignment from weeks ago but that is all. *sigh*
• Semi-productive week so far
• Job posting at one of my dream schools - few hours from the parents - need to get things together since deadline is nearing
• Falling behind on dissertation stuff and am determined to catch up this week
• Need to figure out the rest of Little T's Halloween costume
• Lost the couple of pounds I gained while on holiday
• Back and hands hurt but comes and goes depending on the day. I have a hankering to learn to embroider but the little bit of sewing I did the other day (hemming Little T's pants) killed my hand. I have no idea how to embroider and the pants...well let's just say I'm glad kids don't notice things like horrible sewing at this age
• Made an amazing chili last weekend
• Said no to something last week and got tons of work done so I actually had weekend time to spend with the family- guilt-free
• For a moment today I thought it was spring
• Tonight I plan to go to bed at a decent time, perhaps with a nice glass of red wine
• Bought some delicious jalapeno* cheese (had a midnight snack last night when I couldn't sleep - I didn't eat much dinner so it actually made me feel better..mmm cheese and crackers
• Need to finish two reviews this week - having a really hard time getting through one of them. There are so many quotes it is hard to figure out where the author's thoughts figure in...
• Somewhat caught up on creating class stuff
• Thinking of only working on dissertation next semester so I can finish

*I  feel that this is spelled wrong but I'm too lazy and exhausted right now to figure it out. 

still here!

I promise I'm still here...haven't been tigernapped or taken over by students or been sucked into a black hole.

I've been:

• on holiday with a conference thrown in the middle (more on the fantastic time Mr. T and I had and the presentation I gave and how great it went). Also got to see family and friends in route to dropping Little T off so Mr. T and I could holiday by ourselves. 
• in grading prison - catching up from my fantastic but short-lived few days on holiday
• trying to figure out what exactly to do about Stu - of course I finally heard from Stu while out of town. Seems to have a valid reason but catching Stu up will be difficult (and his responsibility) and I am requiring documentation, which Stu is working on. Supervising instructor gave me some advice that I am going by and hopefully things will work out
• just catching up with everything I put on hold for that fantastic holiday I had with Mr. T. Of course my to-do list is longer, but it was WELL WORTH IT!
• trying to figure out how to get my child to stop saying "dammit" every time she drops something. Seriously, we are not foul-mouth folks and cleaned things up quite a bit when she became verbal, but it slipped once when I stub my toe and has suddenly become her word of choice. Of course she picked the first time to say it in church when she dropped something. We keep explaining that it is not an appropriate word and whatnot but I don't think she gets it. I guess time-out will come next...? Moms/Parents/Anyone, suggestions?
• Did I mention the lovely holiday I had with Mr. T and great conference I attended? :)

Will hopefully be able to take some time (tomorrow hopefully) to see what everyone has been up too and elaborate on a few things I've mentioned. 

Breaking out of grading prison tomorrow, so until then...

Oh, Stu...

What do I do with you?!?

I have 23 students in my class and of those 23 students, 22 of them have been rockstars of the responsible nature. These 22 alert me when they are going to miss class so they can make up work, they have wonderful ideas (even if I have to pry sometimes), they turn in creative projects, they are reflective and insightful. At one point, 1 of the 22 was slacking a bit so I inquired and haven't since had any problems. In fact this one stu has been on top of things. They are freshman and sophomores so I am having to remind them that they are college students and that they are responsible for their own learning, that it is okay not to be perfect, that I am not going to tell them if their work is correct before they turn it in when they have a handy checklist and rubric included in the instructions, and so on. But overall, I've been very pleased with their work and their ability to take my feedback and learn from it. They have their moments, but don't we all, and I guess (from talking to others that have taught kids of this generation) that their parents did a lot for them (checking homework?!?!), and they expect that now. Breaking this mold is hard but maybe I can put a crack in the mold and help them to stand on their own two feet.

Notice that I said I have 23 students and 22 of them are rockstars. What about the 1 Stu? Well, I wouldn't know because Stu hasn't shown up for class in two weeks (and missed 3 of the 5 weeks) and hasn't turned in much work. I ran into Stu at the drugstore the day after missing class last week.  Stu claims Stu was sick. Stu said that Stu had another doctors appointment during class this week (I wanted to ask why Stu booked an appointment during class when I know that the campus health center is flexible and it doesn't take a week to get a follow-up- and Stu could go before class or the day before I'm sure - I go there!). I was polite, told Stu to get better and that Stu needed to bring in a valid excuse and email me about making up the test from last week). Did I expect to get that email? No. Why? Let me explain:

1. Stu missed day one - it is mandatory to attend on the first day and if you don't you get dropped automatically. I dropped Stu. Stu asked to be added back into the class. I emailed the proper people to handle this and told Stu to be on Stu's way. Stu's excuse for missing was that Stu added the class right at class-time and didn't want to interrupt... I gave Stu the benefit of the doubt.
2. Including the first day, Stu has missed two more classes. We have class once a week for 3 hours. After three absences, your grade gets deducted. Haven't decided if I'm counting the first day as an absence, although I'm not sure it will make a difference. We had tests on two of those days. Make-ups aren't allowed without a valid excuse. Also Stu didn't turn in two projects for those days. They have to turn in projects before class via the LMS so it was possible for Stu to complete and turn in the project assignments online. 
3. We have weekly reflection assignments...Stu has only completed the one that we worked on in class. We've had 5 and Stu has done 1 of them. I emailed Stu after missing the first one to make sure Stu understood they were weekly reflections and wanted to know if Stu had any questions. Never heard back. 
4. So Stu has only turned in the assignments and tests we completed IN class - the rest he's skipped.

So right now Stu has many zeros. Stu has had the opportunity to provide valid excuses and make the effort to complete the work. If Stu would have contacted my when Stu was ill then I probably would have allowed make-up without the excuse. But that was two classes ago and Stu can't use the excuse that Stu couldn't contact me because there are computers on campus and Stu was holding a Blackberry when I ran in Stu at the store. 

So before class this week, I, being the pushover nice teacher I am emailed Stu to let Stu know that the assignments were going to get zeros and that it was Stu's responsibility as a college student to arrange for this work to be made up, completed, and turned in. I asked if Stu was getting my emails since I hadn't gotten responses to any of them. I am using Stu's university email, which is required and no other students are having problems getting the messages. I gave Stu the chance to say, I'll turn it in tomorrow and get the late penalty but low and behold, I haven't heard back from Stu. 

I hate to have a student failing the class, especially when there are so many opportunities for success in the class. I am open to flexibility so this drives me nuts. I have idea if Stu is sick or getting my emails or what is happening. Not sure what else I can do. *Sigh*

So 22 rockstar Stus and 1 missing-in-action Stu. 

Three things I should learn from my students

1. Life is more important than checking email 24-7
2. The world is wide open and ready for me to jump right in
3. It never hurts to ask, all someone can do is say no

Back Updates

I am getting stronger and progressing quickly, which is great news! I went from twice a week to once a week to every other week. As long as I keep up the exercises at home on a daily basis, my trainer said I probably only a handful of visits left. I don't see my ortho doctor until the middle or end of November. I feel better too. The pain in my back rarely goes down my leg (a great sign!) and when it does hurt (usually after sitting too long without stretching and moving around or lifting too much) it is centralized to one area. Ice and the occasional Aleve have helped for those occasions.

What's in a name?

Apparently, my students think that putting their name on their assignments is a waste of time because we are on the 4th assignment and several students continue to turn in assignments without their name or the assignment name included in the file name (as requested multiple times). I understand that I have to download their files from the learning management system, but it is a pain in my butt to have to remember which assignment is which when I go to grade them.

I am wondering if it would be appropriate to take off for this considering that I've included what to name the files in the assignments and I've reminded them multiple times. Or perhaps I will tell them I am won't grade assignments unless they are properly named. I know it's not that big of a deal, but it takes me an extra 10 minutes each time I go to grade assignments because I can't rename them before I download them. That is 40 minutes of my time wasted so far. They are college students. Shouldn't they know how to follow instructions? Maybe I'm being petty...

The Leap

Saw a job ad yesterday (the first time I've taken time to sit down and look), and I've decided to apply for the position. If I don't become a professor, this is the kind of job that I want. I actually became excited and giddy and yelled for Mr. T to come over because I was really excited about it. It is 1-3 hours from our parents, and I will still be working in academia and doing several things I enjoy. There are a million factors that have to fall in place if they are interested, but will worry about that later. Especially since I am not sure if I have the experience they are looking for. I know I have the experience, but maybe not in the way they are looking. My experience has been project based or through consulting work, all part-time. 

But I decided to go for it anyway. Of course the deadline is Friday so I've been working on it like a mad woman in-between other stuff I need to do. I've emailed folks for letters (only heard from two of them?!?!), and I've written my cover letter (well a draft), filled out the application, and updated my vita. I need to work more on the cover letter and try to get across that I am what they are looking for just in a different package perhaps. I already received a letter from one of the people I've done consulting work for. This letter rocked my world. I hadn't seen the data from the assessment of the project until I saw this letter. My work benefited people and made a difference! Plus, the job that I am applying for is similar to this consulting gig just on an all-the-time larger scale in which I would have other duties.

If anything the experience has helped me to get my feet wet and it has helped me to be more confident in who I am and what I have to offer. If they aren't interested no biggie, I know to look for these types of jobs as well as faculty positions in the future. If they are interested, I will become familiar with the process and maybe take a different path. Either way...

Taking a leap. Figured it can't hurt. I do have the water wings, and I'm sure there is a parachute around here somewhere.

The List

I was looking for something that I had stuck on my bulletin board and ran across a list that I started when I started my PhD program. It was a list that I scribbled on for the few years that I was in coursework. Basically, a Things to Remember When I Become a Professor list based on my experiences in the classroom.

Here are items from that list (they were not numbered on the list - this is for blog organizational reasons):

1. Always put up necessary files for students BEFORE class (this was a huge issue in all of the stats classes I took. I wanted to have the slides, etc to use in class and often they weren't put up early enough. However, I've learned this semester that this isn't always the best option, depending on what the files are. But I have explained that I will put them up when I feel they are best needed since many have asked for this information).
2. It's not possible to know everything. Always strive to learn more. (perhaps my favorite from the list)
3. It's okay to make changes
4. Try not to procrastinate (haha!)
5. It's okay to admit you don't know the answer, however try to find it (or better yet have your students find the answer if possible)
6. Post materials, assignments, etc in a timely manner
7. Make expectations and objectives as clear as possible
8. Be organized AND flexible
9. Don't be a scatterbrained professor. It stresses your students (of course I now realize that some days will be unfocused. But in general, I still believe this). 
10. Reflective learning (hmmm...I guess I mean to include it)
11. If needed have your students set ground rules and share them as a class (not sure why I would have thought this in a college level class)
12. Busy work (that is actually how I wrote it :))
13. If everyone does poorly on a test of assignment, one of two things most likely occurred: 1) the test didn't assess what was actually taught or learned and 2) your students didn't understand therefore you need to revisit the material again - perhaps in a new or different way
14. If you have groups, have group evaluations and perhaps roles within the groups. 

Are there things that your professors did when you were a student that have impacted who you are as a professor? Or will impact how you act as a professor if you aren't a professor yet?

Twinkle and Glaze

I saw the "twinkle" today in several of my students. You know the "I get it - oh cool - wow this is really useful and will make a difference" twinkle. I also saw the "glaze" in a few...as in "huh - what did you say? wait, where is that? huh?" glaze. 

Both make me happy to be in the classroom again. 

Water wings

I feel better after having a couple of days away with Mr. T, although I still feel pretty overwhelmed with the amount of work I have this semester. A little part of me worries that life in academia will always be like this. 

But more about our time together. This was the first time in over a year and a half that the two of us have gone away overnight and it was amazing. We talked and enjoyed each other's company. Mr. T told me about some things he's been thinking about - things that are pretty amazing that he wants to do with his life - things that will make a difference in people's lives. I hope he continues to talk about these things so we can figure out how to make them happen. He is such an amazing person and has so much to give others. 

So although my list of things to do is still long and most likely won't get shorter (every time I think I'm catching up more comes my way), I do feel as though someone has thrown me some water wings so I'm not longer about to drown. Of course with water wings you still have to work and struggle to stay afloat and not fall face-forward in the water. But I will worry about that another day. For now, I need to get back to work. 

The Cat

My dad once told me a story of a young cat that showed up at my parents' house. The cat was skittish of people and wouldn't come near them but had been eating the dog's food so he was sticking around. One day my Dad came home from work and was working in his garden when he heard the cat crying out. Thinking that perhaps the dog had hurt the cat he tried to find it. He looked all over the yard (a few acres) until he finally found the cat trying to stay afloat in a barrel he uses to catch rainwater. The cat was about to give out and he knew that he either had to grab the cat or it would die within minutes. Although he was worried he would get scratched or bitten by this wild cat, he grabbed it anyway. The cat lay limp so tired that it couldn't lift his head. He dried it off and put it on a blanket in the back of the garage with food and water. For the first hour the cat didn't move. During the second hour the cat continued to rest. During the third hour the cat lifted his head when my dad came in. During the fourth hour the cat was gone.

Yesterday - Today, hell this week, I feel like that cat is me except I haven't figured out how to get out yet. I have no idea if it is because of the shortened week and Little T getting sick or if my entire semester is going to be this way (I hope not!) but oh my...

On another note...I am going to get transcriptions of my interviews done (well some of them) - anyone have any suggestions for inexpensive yet professional services? I found one online service and sent a file off yesterday to see if they do a good job. I am really grateful I worked extra last year so we can afford for me to have some of the files done.

One more note...at least this weekend Mr. T and I get to spend two days away for a sports weekend. I got him tickets over 6 months ago for his birthday and some friends are watching Little T. I'm glad I already got the tickets and can't get my money back otherwise we probably would bail. But we need this time together. TMP needs to dry off and rejuvenate her marriage with Mr. T. 

Descriptors for men and women

It really bothers me that the language used to describe males and females is different. I’ve been a part of an exercise a few times in the last year in which people had to describe professors in our college in a couple of words – all positive and meant to showcase the good qualities they have. At first I couldn’t believe the difference in how people described the males and females professors. Then when it happened AGAIN with a different set of people doing the describing, I became annoyed and bothered by it. The males and females in our college are all strong researchers and teachers – they all do a pretty good job at what they do and yet the female professors were described as helpful, compassionate, caring, nurturing, friendly, warm-hearted, and so on and the males as opinionated, knowledgeable, intelligent, smart, innovative, professional, and so on. I don't have a problem with females being described as caring and nurturing for example but why aren't they also described as an innovative and professional and vice versa for males.

Teaching: Rookie Mistakes and First Day Fun!

I really enjoyed my first day teaching and even wore some of the new clothes I bought and discussed a few weeks ago. I looked and felt great and overall the class went really well. The students were quieter than I expected and not as interactive as I expected but it was the first day.  Their interaction levels did increase though. I could see the overwhelmed look in their eyes and tried to scale things back a bit. I made a couple of rookie mistakes. It’s been a while since I’ve taught so I think I'm just a little rusty :)

The first mistake I made was making the assumption that they would know how to use the learning management system and be familiar enough with it to know where to locate links and folders I discussed in class. I have a mixture of freshman and sophomores, even a couple of juniors. 

The second mistake I made was not doing enough of the “who are you” and “get to know you” type activities. Most of the grad students I’ve taught knew each other so I kept it basic. Big mistake…I need to figure out how to do this in the next class without it seeming so obvious. Any ideas? I need to figure out a baseline as well, which I should have done the first day. This I’ve got figured out for the next class. Aside from not knowing the LMS, they don’t know other stuff I anticipated either. So I’ve already done a couple of things to address the gap but I need a better idea of this.

The last mistake I made was forgetting to give them a break (in a 3 hour class) and not remembering that some students may not feel comfortable just getting up to go to the bathroom or whatever in the middle of class.

Since I want to leave on a positive note, I will mention a few things that I did right because even with the mistakes, I think the class went well and the students seem excited.

• I think I got it across that texting and other disruptive behavior were not tolerated. We will see, but I am going to be optimistic.
• The students seemed excited overall and came up with some great ideas and answers to my questions.
• I knew when enough was enough and that cognitive load meltdown was approaching.
• My students appear to be comfortable with me and have already talked to me outside of class about things they are struggling with and are concerned about related to the class. Oh my the questions so far. 
• I recognized that the way I was teaching something was not working and made changes on the spot, which worked for the students and lead to successful performance in the end.

How TigerMom got her groove on (well is trying to figure it out at least)

So apparently I need to get back into the groove of things because I've been so swamped that I haven't taken the time to write the many posts that currently live in my head. With teaching, data collection, and PT added to my normal schedule I've got to figure out how to get back into a routine that works for everyone.

But the good news is that everything is going well.

In a nutshell...

• Data collection moving along nicely
• Teaching is going well although I made a couple of rookie mistakes (more on this later)
• Physical training taking place and seems to be going well
• Only a handful of late nights last week although after only a few hours of sleep many days in a row I gave out Monday night and did nothing. 
• Spent one weekend day working all day, which I've been avoiding lately. At least it wasn't both days.
• Spending time with family this weekend...not sure how traveling is going to fit in just yet.
• I miss my bloggie friends and need to blog more often
• Exercise levels up a tiny bit and goal weight reach!

First of the semester excitement!

I love it! I am so excited to be teaching because it gets me back into "back to school" mode after not having classes the last couple of semesters. I can't wait to get in the rhythm of things and to get organized, which always takes me a few weeks.

Of course I also get teary-eyed at all the freshman with their parents. Brings back so many fond memories and now that I'm a parent it makes me even more sentimental.

Three good things

Decided I wanted to end on a positive note today so I am going to mention three positive things from my day:

1. I received great news regarding my dissertation study, which lead to me breaking out in my happy dance. I was getting nervous about a couple of things so this news was reassuring.
2. I gave a friend a ride and had delightful conversation and catch-up time. 
3. I was home in time to read, say prayers, and snuggle with Little T.

Beer & Bowling

Mr. T and I had a very much needed date night this past weekend. Free babysitting (thanks to a dear friend), a couple of coupons for bowling, and gift certificate to one of our favorite restaurants made the night budget friendly and so much fun.

We had popcorn and beer while we bowled and it reminded me of when we first started dating...except in high school it was popcorn and cigs. Then we headed to dinner where we had more beer and shared dinner. It was one of the best nights we've had in a long time. I had a little bit of a headache the next morning, but it was worth it.


I - we need more nights like this. More time to just be with each other outside of home where all we can think about is everything we need to do. We need to put us on the list and that is exactly what we did. We went out and had fun - we goofed off and just enjoyed each others' company and the special connection that we've had since we first started dating so long ago.

Oh my: Update

Part one of the update...likeliness of getting an academic job for next year. So I thought about things most of the day. Actually, talked to my advisor about the likelihood of even being able to apply for jobs considering that it will take me quite some time to collect and analyze my data. She suggested (and this is what Mr. T suggested last night) that I see what is out there job-wise and familiarize myself with the process and then if the most perfect job comes along go for it. But realistically by the time I would apply in the fall I would still be too ABD to be able to give them a solid defense date. So I go about collecting data and working on my dissertation, and I don't worry about rushing through things just to get a job when all of the jobs won't even be available to me. 

Part two of the update...the baby. We want another child but just haven't been sure as to when. I know that although I've been itching to have another one, I'm not sure I'm ready yet. Last year Mr. T and I talked about it and figured we would approach the subject when I saw how far along I was in my dissertation after this semester. But after thinking about it today, we both think that maybe sooner is better than later for a variety of reasons. Of course it may take longer this time and it is not really possible to plan. Plus, I don't know if it matters that I have the bulging and ruptured discs in my back. But maybe in a couple of months we will be ready. During our lunch date, Mr. T said that God has our plan figured out and that we just need to listen for it and not worry so much about it not happening the way we think it should.

So here we are.

I am no longer worrying and trying to plan everything. Well, I am trying my best not to worry and plan to the last detail.

I am going to be open to the changes that comes with life.

I am listening.

Oh my!

Last night...out of the blue Mr. T inquired about having another baby AND the likelihood of me being able to apply for academic jobs this year.

Leaving it at that for now as I still haven't quite recovered...

Confidence

I started this post as a comment on one of my other posts and the topic started to turn to confidence. Instilling confidence in a child cannot be an easy thing and I don't think there is really a right or wrong way. When I teach I try to give my students opportunities to be successful. I may scaffold examples or problems and fade guidance thus building their confidence that they can succeed at a task. I give opportunities to “fail” or to make mistakes via practice. I believe it is important that children (really all people) have room to make mistakes, learn from their mistakes, and have a chance to try again. But they need to have a chance to do the task by themselves otherwise they will feel they are always reliant on others to succeed. I am terrified of failure and when I fail at something I have a hard time with it. But I have learned that this is a normal part of life and that it is okay to fail as long as I learn from the experience. Of course I still do my best not to fail, and I am still working on this challenge. I also believe that it is important to model these things, and I strive to be a good role model for Little T and for my learners. If I can’t do something, instead of getting frustrated, I try to remember that Little T is watching me and that she will learn from how I handle the situation. If I totally crap out and do something I wouldn't want to model, I explain to her what happened (e.g. mommy lost her temper and got ticked off at the X but that doesn't excuse her behavior. Next time instead of getting mad that I can't do X, I will...). When she gets frustrated because she can’t do something, I let her know that it is okay to ask for help or to have someone show her how to do something (especially if she doesn’t have the motor skills to do something- like tie her shoe). But if she can do something, I encourage her to try again or to try a different way or to move onto a different part and come back to it (when doing a puzzle for example). I also think that a large part of how we instill confidence in people has to do with personality. Things that work for one person may not work for another. Maybe I will talk about this more later. 

How did you become a confident person? How do you instill confidence in your children? Students? Mentees?

Retail Therapy

So it turns out that retail therapy was really what I needed yesterday...combined with venting here and meeting Mr. T for lunch at one of our favorite restaurant (this amazing little Cuban place).

I ended up with some great deals yesterday and came back in a great mood and feeling great about myself. You see, for the first time in a long time I enjoyed trying on clothes. Everything fit wonderfully, and I never once thought that I didn't like something because of my size or the muffin top or whatever. I didn't like things because they just weren't for me. I am curvy and I always will be...I love my curves actually. But before I got pregnant I needed to lose 10lbs. I was "overweight" if you go by the recommendations for height. Then, although I lost most of my pregnancy weight, those 10lbs sat differently - looked differently. So now those 10lbs are gone along with 10 more and I am where I was in college. Size-wise I am bigger than college, but once again I am older and my body is different now that I've had a baby.

I ended up with:

• A black suit from Target (on clearance $30!)
• A cute summer dress from Target (on clearance $12)
• Some skinny leg pants (Target - on clearance - haven't decided if I want to keep them $12)
• Several tops from Express (many on sale and those not on sale use coupon for discount - can wear all with suits or skirt/pants and some can also be dressed down for casual wear)
• Black pencil suit skirt from Express to go with Target jacket (not on sale but I know I will get good use out of it and can wear teaching, conferences, etc without the jacket - did apply coupon though)
• Light gray suit from Express (not on sale but did apply coupon and much cheaper)
• Dark gray suit pants from Express (clearance for $17!)

And when I came home I went through my closet and found some items (not professional) but everyday cloths I can fit into now.  I am going to get my mom to hem the suit pants when we head home next.

Balancing appearance

So it turns out that just writing about my pity party made me feel a little better. I am not going to say all my feelings are gone, but I don't feel like crying any longer. 

So I am going to run a couple of errands and go to the Express and look at their suits (or professional clothing -we were told to look as if we were going into an interview everyday of the internship program) and then meet Mr. T for lunch. Other suggestions for suits and professional clothing stores are greatly appreciated. I like to look stylish but professional. I also want to be able to wear the clothes several times so not too trendy if that makes sense.

Also, I noticed today that when I started feeling better I wanted to put on a cute outfit (which I did) and that doing so made me feel better. But I like to look nice - put-together - and yes sometimes pretty. For me personally, when I look better I am more confident. This made me feel a little guilty as I don't like to dwell on appearance and want Little T to know that looks aren't everything, but I do feel better when I dress nicely or take time on how I look. How do I balance this? I want to be a positive role model for her, especially since there are so many negative influences on little girls growing up now-a-days.

Pity Party for 1

I haven't been around this week because I am in a funk. My back is hurting, and I'm not sleeping because Mr. T is home and our bed isn't really big enough for me to sleep so my back doesn't hurt and my hand doesn't go numb. But I don't want to sleep separately. I worked my butt off early in the summer to make some decent money on top of normal stuff and am watching it quickly disappear for medical bills, which have only just begun. For the first time since starting school I have money that I made for dissertation stuff and professional clothes, etc and yet a large chunk of it is going toward medical bills. We share money and I know it really doesn't matter who makes money and I am grateful that we actually have the extra money this year, but it sucks that I have to spend it in this way. And although there are many great things going on (I will be an instructor the next two semesters, Mr. T is going on a trip out West with me for a conference in October, and the awesome internship conference program), I still just want to cry. And I've been thinking a lot about babies lately. Probably because so many people around me are pregnant and having babies, but I need my back to get better so I can get pregnant in the spring if I want. And I think it makes it even harder because I try to focus on the positive and am disappointed that I'm not doing so. I am tired. And sad. And in a funk all around.

The good thing is that this week is light...I'm going shopping today to look for suits and other professional clothes - need an entire week's worth for the internship program. Suggestions for great stuff that isn't going to break the bank? I saw a cute one at Express so I'm going to check it out and see what I think. I want something I will actually wear again but that I can also wear to interviews.

The Single Life

The title of this post is a bit misleading. By “single life” I am referring to how I revert back to some of my single ways of life when Mr. T is out of town. Of course I now have a toddler to take care of so I don’t fall into all of my old habits but some of them naturally fall back into place. For example, I am not the neatest person. I am organized but messy (not dirty…just messy). When Mr. T is out of town, I don’t always do the dishes right away or I might sit in bed and eat while reading magazines from the last several months. I might eat random things for dinner like pickles, sautéed veggies, and peanut butter on celery. Mr. T knows about these behaviors and I didn’t change who I am when we got married, but I do try to be understanding of the fact that he really dislikes dirty dishes in the sink (he does them a good portion of the time so I don’t mind sharing in this chore) and that he thinks that eating in bed leads to crumbs in bed (it doesn’t if you are careful, and I still eat non-crumby food in bed when he is home). Just like he does certain things differently since he knows they bother me. We both went into it knowing that you can’t change a person when you get married and we do not expect any changes in behavior, but we both realize that there are two of us in this relationship. We are open about things like this and it has worked for us for over 4 years. We know that we aren’t perfect and that we are different people with different quirks. When he is home, I usually don’t have time to sit in bed and watch Friends re-runs and read magazines that I’m months behind on. I usually want to spend any extra time (haha - what's this?!?!) I may have with him.

I wonder if he falls back into single-life behaviors, such as these, when I am out of town? Do you all fall back into single behaviors when your partner is out of town?

Test Results

I met with my orthopedic doctor to review the results from the two MRIs and the nerve tests. Although I had some of my results from the nerve tests, my orthopedic doctor looks at everything together to determine what has been causing my neck and back pain over the last year or so.

My neck MRI looked great - I have a healthy neck, which is wonderful. 

As the neurologist said I have significant nerve damage or a pinched nerve in my left ulnar nerve (elbow) and mild pinched nerve in my wrist (mild carpal tunnel) which both he and my orthopedic doctor believe can be reversible although surgery may be necessary in my elbow if it doesn't get better otherwise the muscles in my dominant hand will continue to weaken. I have ordered an ergonomic keyboard and try to sleep differently (which means I don't curl my arms under me). But  I haven't slept well since I stopped trying to do this so I don't know how long I will be able to keep that up. I also try not to put pressure on my elbows or wrists and instead on my forearms. Now that I pay attention to this, I realize I do this often. Since the last time I saw the orthopedic doctor, I am already stronger in that hand which is a good sign that just being conscious of not putting pressure on my elbow is helping. Hopefully, after the keyboard comes in this will continue to get better. My left two fingers still go numb and ache a little but they haven't locked up this week, which I take as a good sign.

My lower back MRI revealed that I have a ruptured or herniated disc in the very lower end of my back, which is why I keep feeling pain in my hip/lower back area and the tingling and sensitivity in my left leg. Before we talk surgery, he wants me to get some intense physical therapy and rehab to strengthen my lower and middle back, which should help to heal the disc (and another one that is bulging higher up). I will go back and see him in three months. 

 

My orthopedic doctor was wonderfully hopeful, and I had another great experience with him. I am grateful that Mr. T convinced me to see a doctor and that both of the doctors are hopeful.

I'm home

I got home late in the afternoon on Saturday and was pretty busy just hanging out with Little T and Mr. T that evening and the next day. The funeral was so sad. I ended up taking food and really spent much of the time helping to entertain family and friends that were there as well as help with my friend's child and her sibling's children.  I also spent a lot of time talking to my friend and just being there for her. I decided to just step in and help out as I could. My friend wanted me to stay with them, and I was always treated like family so I acted as such. It was interesting seeing how different people grieve. It also made me think about my own life.  So today I am busy catching up on time spent away from school. Mr. T is out of town this week and I really miss him.

Sad news + the best doctor with updates

My dear friend's mother died last night. I am so sad and my heart aches for her loss. Although she has been struggling with cancer and two months ago they realized she had a tumor on her brain and would not win the battle, it is still hard for all of them. To make it harder I am hours away and haven't been able to be there for her in person. I sent a restaurant gift card and a note for her weeks ago but still. I plan drive up for the funeral but don't know details at this point. I haven't talked to her yet. I imagine she is tired and grieving and doesn't want to talk right now. I think I will make some pumpkin bread or banana nut bread and pot pies to stick in her freezer and her dad's freezer when I head down there. I hope I have time - I should probably work on them tonight and go ahead and freeze so they are ready. Hmmm...need to call Mr. T to run by the store on his way home for lunch.  So if you all pray please keep my friend and her family in your prayers.

I had my nerve tests on my arm, hand, and back last week and the doctor was one of the best doctors I’ve had in a long time. I really like our pediatrician (we actually love her!), my orthopedic doctor, and my obgyn, but this doctor truly was amazing. He took time to talk to me, and I felt as if he cared. We talked about school and some things related to both of our fields, and I felt like I had known him for quite a while.  Although, he isn’t sure any of my results have anything to do with my back pain (he is sending the other results that he didn’t get immediately – there were two sets of tests to my orthopedic doctor so he can look at the MRI results and the nerve test results altogether I guess), he did say that I have nerve damage in my left elbow and that is causing my problems with my hand. It is funny that I never even thought about the numbness and cramping/locking being a problem. I just assumed it was because I use my hands all the time. I went in for a completely different problem and came out with mild carpel tunnel and elbow nerve damage that he said could probably be reversed with changes to my sleeping position and a few other things. Otherwise, I will have to eventually have surgery so I don’t lose function of my hand completely. But the key thing is that although the muscle in my hand is very weak he believes I can reverse this and avoid surgery. He explained everything very well and showed me how the nerves worked so that I could better understand what was happening. He said that the nerve was like a water hose and it was kinked therefore my hand wasn’t getting all the water it needed to thrive. He explained how small things could help to un-kink the hose before scar tissue made this impossible and surgery was necessary. So I am hopeful. I don’t talk to my orthopedic doctor until next week though. 

The tests themselves weren’t painful but they did not feel good. The first set of tests hurt more than the second set, but I expected there to be more pain than there was because the specialist/nurse didn’t say anything to me except to expect it to feel like I had hit my funny bone really, really, really, really hard (not an exaggeration on the number of times she said “really”). She didn't really talk to me other than that. The test involved shocks and was pretty quick. I was relieved when the doctor was kind and took time to talk to me about what he was doing, etc. The test he did involved needles and shocks but didn’t hurt and wasn't as uncomfortable. I was distracted with conversation though. 

Yippee!!!!

I got accepted into a prestigious and really awesome week long program during one of our conferences. I am really excited as only a handful of applicants are chosen! It is a leadership program of sorts in which we network and meet/shadow leaders in the field. Of course we have a bunch of other tasks to do and are on committees, chair sessions, attend seminars, etc but oh my what a great opportunity!!!!!!!!!

Breastmilk baby

Spanish Prof recently had a post on breastfeeding in public so when I saw this blog post about the breastmilk doll, I wanted to post about it. I like the idea of this doll as there are tons of dolls that come with bottles for feeding. But this is very pricey for a doll, and I would imagine that if a child knew that a baby can eat in this way that the child would just pretend to nurse their regular dolls instead of using a bottle. But I do like the idea of having a doll like this and putting it out there that nursing is completely natural. Of course, it has stirred up all kinds of controversy (from what I've heard) in the US. What do you all think?

Why hello skinny jeans...

oh how I've missed you. I tried on my "skinny" jeans the other day and they fit! The waist is even a little baggie. These are the jeans that I bought snug right after we got married and right before we moved. They were my goal for weight loss although I still want to hit my number now that they fit. I am thrilled as I wasn't sure I would ever wear them again. I tried on a handful of other skirts and shorts that I decided to keep just in case and they all fit.

It is funny that the size I wear is still a couple of sizes larger than the last time I was at this weight which was many, many moons ago. I was more toned then and hadn't had a baby so my hips were smaller. I've let go of my hip bones going back into place, but I can get more toned, which is what I need to start working on next. 

Now I must go as my jeans and I need some privacy.  ;-)

A few things I've learned from my 2 year old

• I may drink too much coffee...although it is usually only a couple of cups unless I am solo and have to get up with the munchkin multiple days in a row when she awakens an hour early! Multiple times over the weekend, I heard Mommy's coffee; ohhhh coffee; and mmmm, coffee. You learn so much about yourself when you hear your child repeat things you say.
• Sesame Street is awesome. Okay, I already knew this but I can watch SS over and over again. I'm not a big fan of the more recent ones and I usually tune out once Elmo's World comes on, but it makes me feel like a kid again.
• Sometimes I act like a 2 year old. Sometimes my hormones make me have horrible mood swings or cry at the drop of a hat... This is what toddlers go through all the time! Waves of emotions that are difficult to handle sometimes. One minute toddlers are happy and the next upset. I too get like this when I'm PMSing.
• To forgive and forget. I overheard this conversation from Little T and her Elmo after Little T threw Elmo off her couch because she was upset that Elmo was in her seat. 
• LT: (reaches down and picks up Elmo, cuddling him) Elmo, are you hurt? You okay? (kisses boo boo on Elmo) 
• LT: (after listening to what Elmo had to say and holding him close to her ear) oh ok. I'm sorry. 
• LT: (after listening to Elmo again) play? ok. Clearly, Little T realized her mistake and apologized to Elmo and Elmo clearly forgave her because he wanted to play with her still.

This and That

There are a few things that I need to finish up before I can start collecting data and these little tasks are taking me forever to do. It is not difficult just time-consuming. So that is what I have been doing the last two weeks and most likely this task will go into next week as well. I hope to have it finished by then but I don't know if that is realistic since I am not even halfway finished and I’ve been doing this for two weeks now.

So far this morning, I have been very productive in this task – yippee!!!!!!!!!! Tomorrow, I need to do an article review and work on a presentation for a reading group next week. It is an informal group and we are studying an analysis method that we would all like to try. I’ve enjoyed the group and think that I might be able to use this technique on my dissertation cases for additional research and data, but I haven’t decided yet. I would need to revise my IRB application, but that isn’t a big deal since it would only include a few questions to include in my interviews. So the professor running the group told me to try out a snippet of data and see what I come up with and to present it to the group. She said that I should also present my questions and the other ideas I am have so in order to get feedback from the group. It will certainly help me to answer my research questions and if I decide not to include it in my dissertation, I will be able to publish the findings elsewhere.

This weekend Mr. T is out of town so Little T and I will be hanging out all weekend. Not sure what we are going to do yet. Probably go out to breakfast one morning and maybe visit some friends that mentioned us coming by to visit. I am looking forward to some mommy-daughter time although I know I won’t get too much accomplished which is why the review and presentation need to be done tomorrow. I might be able to work on the super-time consuming yet easy task some though.

Little T is starting to recognize letters and numbers and loves to count so we might go on a walk and count things (and pick up rocks and leaves) and maybe go somewhere she can point out letters if she wants too. I really enjoy watching her little mind work, and I love watching her learn and explore with such interest and curiosity.

MRI Experience

Yesterday I had two MRIs. I was nervous about them as I wasn't sure if I was going to panic from being closed in. I asked for an eye pillow and had them play my ipod so I could listen to a book. Overall it wasn't so bad (except for the price - even at 15% co-pay oh my! I am so glad we have health insurance and they split the payment in two). The first 30 minutes (the neck MRI) wasn't bad at all. I actually thought it was a practice run (I swore that is what she said!?!) that was taking a really long time. Glad I didn't move! The second (lower back MRI) was hot, and I became really sweaty and started to get feelings of nervousness and anxiety. The hotter I became the worse I felt, even with the fan. But I took some deep breaths (hopefully, they didn't mess up the images) and focused on the book and felt better. Without the eye pillow so I couldn't give into the urge to peek, I am not sure I would have been able to make it through the entire hour. Isn't it funny that I knew looking would make me feel worse, yet I know I would have peeked had I not had something over my eyes.

I was going to...

write a post about my never-ending list and how I feel that I will never get to start collecting data although I am getting closer. I was going to write about how the step I am working on is so time-consuming that I never feel like I am going to finish so that I can collect my data. I was going to write about how unsure I feel about everything - about my ability to do this - to finish my dissertation and find a job that isn't really, really far away from family and friends. I was going to write about my uncertainty over when we should have another baby. Then I read ABDmama's post and my own comment and words of encouragement seemed to be what I needed for myself. I most likely got carried away in my comment (sorry ABDmama!) because of the fact that I was not only talking to her but to myself. Thanks ABDmama, it seems that reading about your anxiety has helped me with my own fears and anxiety. I guess this is one reason I blog - so that I know I am not alone.

Random Thoughts

This weekend we have company coming in for Little T's birthday. I am so excited to see family again and get really homesick each time we see them. I wish we lived closer but know that if I choose to go into academia, that isn't likely. It makes me wonder about life and about the path I have chosen but I don't want to go into that right now. 

On another note...a book review for toddlers. I picked up the book, Little Blue Truck, while we were on vacation and we love it! I just randomly saw it and thought it was cute and we gave it to Little T for her birthday. She also got some M&D pattern blocks and is obsessed already!

Hope everyone has a great weekend. 

Enough procrastinating...

Tests - Tests - Tests

I have been having neck and back pain on my left side for at least a year now. Chiropractic care and massage therapy help but the problem always comes back. Mr. T convinced me that I needed to see an orthopedic doctor just to rule out anything major. I saw the doctor early last week and now need an MRI of my neck and lower/lumbar portion of my back. He also wants me to see a neurologist for nerve tests. He isn't concerned, but would like to figure out why my left side head-to-toe (dominant side) is considerably weaker than my right side in all of the tests he did and why I have tingling in my fingers and toes on my left side mainly. I would like to figure out what is causing the pain so I agreed to further testing. The outside two fingers (ring and pinkie) on my left hand cramp and go numb, but I've never really thought about it. The good thing is that my xrays show that my spine is healthy. He also said that none of my symptoms look like rheumatoid arthritis (my mom has RA). I'm not worried, but I am a little anxious. I haven't told anyone aside from Mr. T and my sister because I don't think it is anything to be worried about at this point but I'm still a little anxious about it all. I have the MRI next week and the nerve tests the week after; then the follow-up to discuss the results with my ortho doctor the week after that. I wasn't going to post about anything of this but I just want to write it down and get it off of my chest. It makes me feel better for some reason.

Nervousness!

My paperwork for my dissertation proposal has cleared and IRB has cleared so aside from some other things I need to prepare, I am ready to collect my data. I am excited and nervous about this task as it is a new step. I am however feeling uncertain and a bit scared about it all.

On another note...Little T turns 2 this week. It is hard to believe that she is already two. So Happy Birthday Little T!

A huge dose of parental guilt

Please notice that I didn't say mom guilt. As I see both Mr. T and I as rock star parents (okay...not this week thus the birth of this post). So when we screw it all up, I'm not going down alone...

And what have we already screwed up this week...

• Completely forgot to give Little T her allergy medicine this morning. She doesn't have to have it and doesn't get it daily, but in the last couple of weeks it has helped tremendously.
• Forgot the first day of swim lessons...of course it was storming but they had "water safety day"

So there are only two things on the list. But most likely I'm forgetting something as that seems to be this week's theme. And it is only Wednesday!

And as I was writing this post...I thought of a 3rd item for the list: not finding a way to eliminate mosquitoes from the world. Little T attracts them - gets numerous bites (even when we put bug spray on her) - the bites swell and get hot and hard - we apply prescription strength hydocortizone and have to put bandaids on them because she scratches like crazy. Then we deal with them for a couple of weeks and she has dark spots for several weeks. We also end up putting antibiotic cream (neosporin type stuff) on them after so many days, which seems to help. Not allowing her outside is out of the question. The allergy medicine really helps. Finding bug spray that is safe and effective has been a hard task. Finding bandaids that don't hurt when we take them off was a huge ordeal - resulting in her screaming anytime we tried to give her a bath because she associated baths with taking off the bandaids back in early May. I finally got her to tell me why she was scared of the bath. When she looked up at me and said, bath boo boo hurts, I wanted to start crying. I promised we wouldn't take them off until she said we could. She went 4 days with the same bandaids until I convinced her that letting me take them off was worth M&Ms - yes bribery - I take mom guilt on that one. Actually, I would do it again if I was in the same situation so maybe I don't feel so guilty for using bribery in this case. We were using KIDS bandaids - what the hell?!?!?! I put one on and OMG it hurt when I took it off. No wonder she was upset and scared. We figured the water was helping...nope. After buying a few different types, we finally found some that don't hurt and she is taking baths again and has no problems with bandaids.

Trying to figure out where this post took a turn...*sigh* need more coffee

Rock star dads

I bookmarked Isis' post on Martyr Moms and Self-Congratulating Dads because just the other day Mr. T and I were having this conversation. We can't get over the number of people that think he is a rock star because he drops off and picks up Little T from school most days, that he changes diapers, helps do laundry and housework, use to get up with Little T when she was a baby to burp and change her after I nursed, etc. etc. People are amazed that he fixes her dinner and gives her a bath. People are amazed that we take turns getting up with her so the other person can get a few extra minutes of sleep. In our opinions he is just being a parent and taking care of his child. In our opinions we are doing this thing called parenting, together.

I find it sad that there are so few dads that fit into the rock star dad category that when dads are involved, they are placed on a pedestal and told how awesome they are. I find it equally sad that the reason so many people call dads like Mr. T rock stars is because for many involved fathers are not the norm. And what does it mean for moms who equally pull their weight when their partners are called rock stars and they are just doing their job? I think it is all about expectations. When will we (and by we I mean society) start expecting both parents to be involved parents? When will it be the norm for all parents to be rock stars? When will we start to recognize parenting as a partnership?

I had a close friend ask me what I did since Mr. T works full time, helps do dishes and laundry, and helps take care of Little T. I don't think I even responded since I know he isn't open-minded enough to actually listen. When people call Mr. T a rock star dad, he usually looks at them confused and then explains that he is her parent and that taking care of her is spending time with her and that he wouldn't have it any other way. In our household our roles and responsibilities change depending on the needs of our family and our own personal needs. Since we do have friends who have partners who have never changed a diaper or given their child a bath or done a load of laundry, I am grateful that I have a partner who wouldn't have it any other way. We also have friends who don't like the way their partners do certain things so they take over and do it all and then complain that their partners never help. I am grateful that I have a partner who trusts me and communicates with me about parenting.

Don't get me wrong, Mr. T is an amazing father. But it is more than the fact that he sees us as equal partners and parents and acts in this way. It is that he enjoys being with her, that he makes her laugh, that he teaches her, that he loves her, that he sings and dances with her, that he sees all the mundane everyday things as opportunities to spend time with her and get to know her not as chores that stereotypically a mother does...it is all of those things that make him a rock star dad. I am grateful and appreciative for all of it. But at the same time in our relationship we expect that we both will be there for each other and for our family. We expect nothing less than involved parenting from one another.

Hmmmm?

So I was looking through some old boxes and found the career assessment papers from undergrad – you know the test you take to see what you would be good at.

Turns out I’m not at all in the fields it pushed me towards but the skills (leadership, helping others type stuff) are there – I can’t even picture myself in some of the “jobs” that I am “best” suited for.  I’m not sure what I think about that. Perhaps I’ve changed. Perhaps I wasn’t being honest (subconsciously) when I took the test? Perhaps I could do those jobs but wouldn’t find happiness in them? Who knows…

New Shoes!

I’m in love with my new shoes. I bought them on a whim while on holiday. Very, very comfortable, and I think cute.  They are crocs, which I don't always think of as stylish shoes. I wear them because they are comfy and can get wet and dirty, but these are adorable and comfy  so a win - win in my eyes. I got a size smaller than normal and they fit perfectly.

The Adrina Flat