When to have a baby as an academic?

I’ve been sitting on this blog post for some time now and well since we just came to some sort of decision, I’ve decided to go ahead and write about it.

Although I had been thinking about this topic for some time now, two posts really got my wheels turning. First was One Bright Star's post about getting advice for one of her mentees on having a baby during school and the second was Sara’s post on becoming a mom in grad school. It was really all the bloggers and their comments and posts that helped me figure out a way to at least talk about this topic versus just thinking about this topic.

Little T is almost 16 months old now and we were trying to decide if we should wait to have another kid when I am in a TT position or if it would be easier to have another one towards the end of my program (getting pregnant in a year or so). We aren't ready to have another child yet, but most people keep telling us that it will be easier to do it while I am a student since there is more flexibility. It is kind of crazy and hectic now – it’s going to get worse?!?!?!

The only problem is that we are ready to settle down and be where we are going to be in life – well at least for me to have a job and so on. On the other hand we don’t want to wait. There are a variety of reasons that support both sides for us, and I’ve been going back and forth. Finally Mr. T just said, stop planning. Let’s just do it when we want and we will figure the rest out later. I’m a planner so this idea is difficult for me but it does lift a weight of worry off of my shoulders. So that is it for now. I am going to keep on trucking along on my dissertation. We will try to get pregnant sometime in the spring/fall. I am going to stop planning so much as it makes me a bit nuts sometimes. Although at other times it is the beacon of sanity.

fun times!

Thoroughly enjoying myself at a conference although I really miss Mr. T and Little T.

Mr. T said that Little T has been calling for me today so I will be very happy to be home tomorrow evening to see them.

I did enjoy meeting new people and hanging out with friends last night.

Connectedness

So after a hard week last week (I was feeling overwhelmed with life and school) Mr. T and I talked. Part of my anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed were coming from me knowing that something was wrong with him but not knowing what. This is odd for us. We ALWAYS communicate – it is one of our strong points in our relationships. Of course when we finally started to talk he was leaving for a work trip and we had to have most of our conversation via the phone. Nevertheless, the conversation worked. He told me what was going on, he called some family and talked to them about it as well (it involved them), he called me back and we talked more.

As I was sitting in bed that night, I realized that I was still feeling anxious and overwhelmed but couldn’t figure it out. I sat and thought about it. In my head it kept coming back to the same thing, but I pushed it away. Finally, I picked up the phone, dialed Mr. T, and said “I need to say something but I don’t want a reaction or a solution, I just need to say it/” He said, “okay,” but I could tell he was nervous. I just said it and immediately felt better. I waited a few minutes and then told him we could talk about it. We had an amazing conversation. I was so scared to say it out loud but I had too. It wasn’t anything related to our relationship…just me (although I affects us). It was about who I am - what I want to be – how I have changed. His anxiety was related to connectedness - my anxiety was somewhat related to connectedness. I’ve blogged about this before, but sometimes during the week, I need a break. Without these breaks I become unproductive and lose my connection to life, to myself, to Mr. T. My recent lack of breaks results in a fading of a connection to Mr. T and it’s not worth that. So what did I do?...

I purchased a board game (I grew up playing games, although Mr. T did not). I know kind of an odd thing to do. But we played this week. It took us an hour and we thoroughly enjoyed it. The game is easy to play but requires lots of strategy so at least I am using my brain. I had never heard of it but was buying a game for a friend’s birthday and got it for her so I just picked up an extra set. We played, we laughed, we talked, and we just enjoyed our time together.

It was just what I needed – it was just what we needed.

Take it and own it!

As I revise my chapters (I turned in one that I think is almost there!!!!), I continue to look at another note on my bulletin board with another piece of wonderful advice from my advisor to "Take it and own it." Sometimes I don't have confidence in my own writing and research abilities, I am just a student, and reading this helps me to realize that I can do this! This is my research! I know it better than others, I just have to articulate it and own it!

How do they do it?

Professors – how do they do it? How will I do it? In our faculty search last year someone asked the interviewee, how do you plan to juggle work and life? I wanted to look at that person and go, um, is this possible? I have no idea how I would answer that question and I’m not even a professor yet.

I want to be in academia so badly, yet I'm not sure that I want such a hectic lifestyle. Is it possible to have both? I want to have date nights with my husband, family time just to hang out, leisurely reading time, time to clean and do personal things, just time "off" sometimes. I need time each week to give my brain a break - to refresh and reboot. I find that giving myself a day off each week or every other week makes me a much more productive person. But would this practice be laughed at by others? Would I be considered a slacker or someone who doesn't work as hard? Academia doesn't seem to be set up for this. Yet, some professors manage to find the balance. Many of the bloggers I read struggle with the work-life balance but they manage to make it happen most of the time, I think. What is their secret? What is your secret?