I did it!

I have a lot to do still but my proposal defense went really well. MajorProf was really proud of me and she mentioned more than once how far I had come. There was no arguing just collaboration and discussion. Lots of questions – all of which I was able to answer –SCORE! I pass with revisions – committee signed off now just to make revisions so my MajorProf can sign off. Basically, narrowing the scope – cutting my study in half. Working on my interview questions. Figure out exactly who I’m going to study. Chapter 2 stuff can wait until my final version, which is nice as I don’t really like chapter 2. I listened to the recording (yes, I recorded it – too much going on to take it all in) and it went just like I remember. I transcribed some of the recording into notes for a later use. I am happy it went really well. I was prepared. I would have floundered had I done it when I really wanted last summer.

Less than one week...

Until I defend my dissertation proposal. I think I am ready. I can do this.

So I will be checking in next week hopefully with some good news. Until then taking a few days off from the blogosphere.

Hierarchy and power in academia

I have been recently working on a project with a professor in which we are “equals” as far as how much “power” we have – in this project the normal professor-student hierarchies do not really exist because we are both in charge in a sense. The project was her idea, but I am her partner. Granted, I still look to this professor for advice concerning the project but it is a partnership. And the professor treats me as her partner. She values what I have to say and asks my opinion on how to do things, next steps, etc. I was actually really honored when she asked me to take on this project with her. It is a huge commitment and a lot of work on our part. However, when we are in contact with other academics (graduate students and professors) for some they want to communicate with my professor. Most do not personally know either of us, but it is clear from the original communications that I do not have the “Ph.D.” behind my name.

One graduate student, GradStu, for example asks questions and when I answer them he seems to value my answer, but then he also wants to hear the opinions and answers from my partner, The Professor. So GradStu emailed us to ask a couple of questions about the project before agreeing to participation. Naturally, I emailed back answering all of the questions except one that I was not sure of. I told him that I needed to discuss the last question with the professor or contact one of the administrative folks on the project if The Professor was unsure since it was an administrative question. But I answered the pertinent question that was needed for his participation – the question related to the research. He agreed to participate. Now I don’t know if I didn’t answer the questions with enough assertiveness (maybe confidence?) or if GradStu sees me on his level thus not capable of answering the questions well enough or maybe GradStu thought he needed answers from both of us, but I determined from a later communication with GradStu that he was expecting to hear from The Professor as well. He wanted her opinion before he proceeded, although I already told him that he should proceed for reasons XYZ. Basically, he said he hadn’t submitted his portion because he was still waiting to hear from The Professor (who was out of the country) to answer the question. I told him that I was sorry for the miscommunication, but I didn’t realize that he was waiting to hear from The Professor and that I thought I had answered the pertinent question. I told him that I would forward his question to the The Professor and let him know. Of course she came back with the same answer I had. But I left the virtual table feeling as though my opinion didn’t matter to GradStu. This is to be expected in academia…there are hierarchies that I am aware of…I’ve been in many situations in which I am the “lowly graduate student.” However I guess I got too comfortable in my partnership on this academic project and the idea that ALL would see us as equal partners in this instance.  I guess some people will always see authority/rank/hierarchy no matter the situation.

Facebook and the Constant Complainer

A friend of mine was recently telling me that one of his Facebook friends is constantly complaining about everything. I imagine we all have one friend who is always complaining on Facebook. I shall name him the Constant Complainer. Our conversation of his Constant Complainer turned to this person getting a job. You see the Constant Complainer is a student and several of Constant Complainer’s friends happen to be people in the field. I don’t know the Constant Complainer personally and he is not my Facebook friend so of course I am going by my friend’s stories and Constant Complainer updates. Anyway, at one point my friend said that he could imagine that all the complaining may hinder Constant Complainer from getting projects, jobs, or recommendations from people who see his Facebook complaints.  I found this interesting and thought that it made much sense. I mean if the Constant Complainer is always bitching about school, work, and life in general and everything is always everyone else’s fault, then the Constant Complainer probably isn’t a great person to work with or put your name on the line for. Or are we jumping to conclusions too soon?

What do you think?

Appearances?

I accidentally posted this before I wanted to…so I figured I should finish what I was going to say. Don’t you love feed readers…although I deleted the post I can’t delete the post from feed readers. Hmmm…this is something that I think I want to talk about perhaps at another time.

Profgrrrl recently posted on Appearances and it got me thinking about appearances. I don’t judge people on how they look and automatically think, oh man she looks frumpy and like a tired mom so she obviously isn’t going to work hard and be a professional. I let people’s actions show me their work ethics. But sometimes I do think that people think this way, whether or not they think this way on purpose, I don’t know. A long while ago I posted about a friend who had a professor who had a baby and some of the students perceived this professor differently. It made me sad to think that students would think that having a baby meant the professor was no longer a great professor.  But later my friend said that this professor was actually behind because of the life change – she took a long time to get things graded, didn’t check her email as often, etc. As a mom, I think I am more understanding of this as a student. But I would still expect my professor to be a good professor and help me to learn, but I get that life can be hard/challenging/new and sometimes we have to be flexible, compassionate, and understanding. I would expect that this professor (and all of my professors) actually has a life outside of school. However, I doubt everyone feels this way.

As a student, when I had a baby, was I still expected to do the same amount of work with the same amount of rigor as my classmates? Of course. Did I get compassion from professors when my child was sick and I couldn’t come to class or was late (sometimes). However, my own expectations had changed. An example: I went through undergrad and getting my masters without getting lower than an A. Then the semester after I had Little T, 6 weeks later to be exact, I took my preliminary exams and two classes – these would be the only classes I had left in the program – most likely my last classes…ever. In one of these classes, I made an A-. Granted this was the hardest class I had throughout my 3 years, but honestly, I was nursing and up with Little T all the time and of course the whole mommy-brain thing was happening so focusing wasn’t always the easiest thing. I was worried about where I would pump on campus, leaking through my nursing bra, if what I was saying made any sense, and how many poopy/wet diapers Little T had (I was so weird about this!), if I was a good mom and doing everything “right,” etc. I worked my butt off in this class, but at the same time something in me just decided that it was okay to come out of my last class ever with a grade lower than an A. I struggled with this idea. I struggled with letting go and being both a mom and a student – an academic. I struggled for the first time with the balance of being a mom and a career person and making it work for me and for my family. I’ve since struggled with this many times, and I’m sure it will keep on happening.

How does this all relate to appearances? Well, for me it is really about what I think of me - my confidence. Sometimes I wonder if I can really be a mom and an academic. If wearing make-up or dressing nicely once in a while helps give me the confidence to feel put together then for me that is enough. Before Little T, I didn’t always wear make-up or dress-up. What has changed? Me of course. Now I am a mom trying to also work toward a career in a world where there is never enough time. Feeling more confident gives me the boost I need to think I can do this.  There is guilt as to whether I am doing enough as a mom – being there enough as a student – not being a pretender for either. For me it is about this guilt and working through it – it is about my inner appearance when I look at myself. So if doing something to my outer appearance makes me feel better inside - makes me have more confidence in myself, then I think it is worth taking time for and that there isn't anything wrong with that. When I take time on myself, I feel more like myself - I feel more connected to me as a person and this makes me have a better attitude and more confidence.

Decision Made

10 days ago I still had not made any decisions about what I was frustrated with. On the one hand participating in the task would be good for the vita. On the other hand, it would cause a lot of stress (and not the good kind) for my life. So I opted to not take on the stress. Mentally and emotionally, I feel better. So far I haven't determined if there was harm in my decision. Time will tell, I guess.

No decisions...

I've made no decisions as to what I will do regarding the frustration I mentioned yesterday. Well, I've made one decision: to play it by ear.

We have a lot going on this weekend - a birthday celebration for Mr. T who is hitting a milestone birthday! And a baby shower for a friend, although I am only dropping in since we are having company that afternoon. House is kind of clean - clean enough...yard is clean (celebration taking place mainly outside)...sour cream pound cake is not cooked yet because I forgot to get eggs - will have them at lunch today so plan to make cake during lunch or this afternoon...cake recipe from Mr. T's mom is written out and ready to go (I've never made a cake from scratch - good thing there is a bakery down the road if things don't go as planned)...dinner groceries for tonight are purchased and preparing...dinner groceries for tomorrow night are not completely purchased (Mr. T is working on the last component) and are not prepared yet...presents wrapped...cards written...

now to be productive today and get some work finished since this weekend I won't get anything school/work related done!

One good thing from yesterday...went shopping and got Little T a bunch of clothes for this summer. My town has a large consignment sale for children twice a year and each trip is always successful. Less than $60 for high quality brand name (not that this really matters) cute clothes (3 summer dresses, 2 jeans/pants, 7 skirts/skorts, 1 raincoat, 7 shirts)!

frustrated

about things I can't really blog about. Just your run of the mill feeling overwhelmed with everything kind of stuff.

25 Random Things

I saw this on ABDmama’s blog some time ago (seems to be a Facebook thing), and I liked this idea so here goes 25 random things about TigerMomPhD.

1.     I love reading romance novels…don’t judge sometimes its nice to get sucked into over-the-top fantasy and drama and not have to think. I also love a wide variety of other books. 

2.     I enjoy some reality tv…Teen Mom…Hoarders…(same reason as #1)

3.     I love to cook.

4.     I hate cleaning the toilets (don’t mind the inside comet-brush part of it but the actual scrubbing the outside part). Fortunately, Mr. T takes care of them.

5.     When I was a teenager I hit a really huge bird and its wing got stuck in the wiper of my mini-van (well, my parents’ mini-van). It was quite traumatizing and when I see these birds when I'm driving I slow down considerably.

6.     I think Bing Crosby is awesome!

7.     I got caught up in I love NY, Flav -o Flav, and Bret Michaels reality TV. Extreme measures were taken but I won’t go there. Mr. T told me the other day that he wants to see Bret Michaels in concert – we plan to look up the tour schedule soon. Not sure if we will tell anyone though…

8.     I love being a mom.

9.     Mr. T is my high school sweetheart

10.   I have a tattoo.

11.   I’m a people watcher.

12.   I have trouble sleeping if I have socks on.

13.   I love to eat popcorn in bed.

14.   I’m a big grocery store couponer – I get disappointed if I don’t save at least 50%. The other day I saved 75%. That was with perishables such as produce and milk. It was an awesome feeling!

15.   I love shoes, but I wear flip-flops most of the time.

16.   I put up pickles (cucumbers, peppers, okra) and jellies. This summer I might try salsa.

17.   I love trying new recipes.

18.   The texture of water chestnuts weirds me out.

19.   Thunderstorms are relaxing to me.

20.   I hope to one day have land so I can have egg laying chickens, a garden, and a wrap around front porch so I can sit on a porch swing and drink sweet tea vodka and lemonade with Mr. T. Of course I see Little T and maybe others running and playing in the yard.

21.   But I also want to live close enough to see broadway shows and live music…I really miss that here in Tigertown.

22.   I dislike Thomas the Train and turn it off when it comes on the television.

23.   Mr. T and I would love to travel around the US and go to MLB games to see the stadiums and experience baseball in different cities.

24.   I get annoyed when people who do not have kids and who’ve never really been around kids try to give me advice on being a parent.

25.   I love listening to books in the car.